Brite Haven

• The challenge of coming off psych meds, especially when they help you. Do I really want to give up something that calms me down? Kinda. Kinda not. It's a challenge to come off any drug, but one that calms your mind down to where you don't pick up on everything ... like my mind doesn't stop off meds. I'm not sure if I should come off them or stay on them. But if I have a child, I will have to embrace this challenge. 
• I can't look at family members with rage, even if it is justified. I have to see them as souls, souls who came for the benefit of experiencing negativity. To embrace the positive and to feel love in a harsh environment. So what if my mom stole my dad's business became a millionaire and allows me to deal with poverty. She wanted me to be on disability so bad. And I fought her tooth and nail. Or whatever the saying goes. She wanted me to survive off a thousand dollars a month. And called my paralegal job foolish. I"m now making good money and pretty good at it. I'm so glad I have learned to not listen to her. I love her dearly but she's not as smart as me and no one knows what is best for you besides yourself. My dad, love him too. Haven't reached out to him in a while. I miss talking to him. But he ignores me. He ignores all his kids. He just smokes weed and drinks. And that used to be what I did while I ignored everyone. He and I are very similar. I'm a Capler for sure. My sisters, Jeanette being so competitive. Always, since she was a child. Till brains took over and I started to outsmart her. That's where I excel, brains. 
• I don't know what warfare against the body means. But I'm sure smoking is a form of it. I try to be like the Native Americans and embrace spirit. But I only really did that on shrooms. I need to eat veggies and plan to start juicing soon. 
• What if I embraced psychosis with curiosity instead of paranoia? Where would it lead me? I wish I could do this. 
• Always in fight or flight mode. Usually choose flight. Or fight. Never just growth. I need to think in terms of growth. Spiritually, Physically, Empathically. Become a better person.
• If only I had choice. Choice to live as I want to live. So many people around me tell me what is good for me and treat me as an invalid. I have a free mind. I'd like to use it.
• I am not a victim. I am spirit and I chose my circumstances. I might not have chosen all this attention and I don't understand it. I hate it. But perhaps my life is meant to be more. I think this is my last life and why not become what I wanted to be as a child? 
• You separate the soul from the body when you practice negative behaviors, anger, chasing food, chasing drugs, chasing alcohol. To become one with the soul, you need to meditate. I meditate before bed.
• My whole mind is censored. I have much to say and little ability to say it. If I followed my own ideas, it would be easier to express myself. Dealing with the peanut gallery is never fun. And they are not as smart at me, in terms of me and what I want for my life.
• Self care. Will I give up sleep if I go off  meds? Will I be the same person? Can I handle it. Can I quit smoking. Self Care. Leaving behind those who only see me as a cash cow.

I have suffered from delusions my whole life up until 2009 when I was hospitalized.  My delusions about the Bible and society affected every aspect o my life. As I got older my delusions became stronger and stranger.  I thought that I was being stalked by the hells Angels and investigated by the police.  I was positive that I was a victim of gang stalking even though I had no affiliation with any gangs nor was I doing anything illegal. In 2009 I was so paranoid that I would never leave my room or home, I isolated myself from everyone of of fear.  I couldn't even watch tv without thinking that the tv could read my mind.  I believed that I had to read the Bible backwards to get to heaven and I thought members of my family were being cloned. I could not distinguish my really family members from the clones and it terrified me.  After a few months of this my father went to the Justice of the Peace and proved I was a danger to my self and community so police came and took me to the hospital. After a month of taking different meds my psycharist found a med which brought me down to earth.  After I came to my senses I began to feel guilty and ashamed for putting my family through that ordeal.  I was put on a community treatment order for one year, if I did not take my meds the police could pick me up from anywhere and take me to the hospital.

I am so grateful that my doctor found a med that worked or I would have been dead, in jail or institutionalize indefinitely.  After my hospitalization I felt like I had to relearn everything I had learned in life.  I feel like I had to go through all the stages of life all over again in order to grow and become whole.  I had to start all over again so I could rebuild.

Behind the façade

And behind my lips

A mental defection 

Has just taken place.

“We must medicate it -

Kill, eradicate it

Contain and remove it

Before disease spreads.”

You shove me some paper

And a glass of water.

A bottle beside me.

Hushed whispers behind me.

I need medicated,

‘Cause I opened my trap;

I must be sedated

‘Cause I uttered such crap.

You’re part of the problem

The reason I’m mute

You’re part of the riots

Protests, and dispute.

Be quiet 

Be still

Be seen and not heard

A nation built loudly

But relies on silence.

This venom runs deeper

Than pills or injection

Our sweet education’s

For sheeple

(not people)

We pay for the books

But bow to their knowledge

They promise us money

Then bleed wallets dry.

And as we recover

To speak for ourselves

They throw the book at us:

We’re sentenced to silence.

And behind the scenes

We peacefully suffer,

Content with this knowledge

Yet no words to use it

You’ve broken our will, so

No urge to enact it,

And because we stand voiceless,

No science to exact it.

We let anxious felines

At our tongues with ease

As allergens gather

We stifle the sneeze.

Not questioning actions

We’re bribed with transactions

Such small satisfaction

At such a great cost.

The freedom of living

Cost us freedom of speech

We endorse these abuses

And trade off the loss.

You’re part of the problem

When you’ve birthed the silence

And nourished this monster

To cosmic proportions

Then when lives are taken

And all heck breaks loose,

You throw cocktail bottles

And tighten the noose.

Behind the façade

American lips

A mental defection

Has just taken place.

No matter my gender,

My sex, or my race,

I’ve broken these stitches;

I’ve opened my face.

Now, where’s that darn pill bottle…?

IP use to be a fairly popular and social guy throughout my life until I shared my diagnosis with my family and friends in 2009.  Having a mental illness in my culture is worse than being sinful it doesn't get much worse. When my family and relatives found out about my illness they abandoned me. My opinions and feeling became invalid because I was sick, possessed or incompetent. If I ever needed help in anyway way they would suggest I use a social service instead of having to deal with the issue with me.  All my friends but 2 disappeared and stopped contacting me, and hanging out with me. The isolation I felt made me very lonely, depressed, broken hearted and even suicidal. Now when I meet people I try not get to emotionally invested because true friendship is very rare.  I'm not sure if I can ever be close to anyone again in anyway. I was raised to believe that friends and family were in your life to support you in your darkness moments but that's wasn't the case for me.  Even now I have learned to keep ppl at a distance because if they knew I was mental ill they would abandon me. It is heartbreaking but the experience has made me independent, stong and more resilient than I ever dreamed.  It taught me that only god can love you unconditionally and perhaps very few other ppl, if you're very luck.

Sometimes, I get in my head too much.  Other times, I'm in my head a lot but I find some interesting bits of wisdom to take with me on the way out and analyze for solutions... maybe this day is one of them?

One of the prominent questions I often ask myself is regarding many relationships, friendships, and even familyships: when is it going to end?  I think that's part of my abandonment issue playing a part into this.  When some of these bonds often end, I feel a drowning-like feeling that reinforces that question and everything that comes with it... I am not sure how to stay in the moment often with that question and its feelings looming in the background.  It also makes it harder and more fearful to let go of toxic relationships.  When I do so, I feel it creates a loss (which tends to hurt a bit more and cause self-critical banter in my head).  I'm not sure how to solve this, but with time I've been able to identify this and other issues easier.

My current boyfriend wants me to be clingy, to be a bit jealous but not overly possessive, to not be afraid to invest emotionally and mentally in the relationship.  However, I don't think he knows what he's asking when he says these things then tops it off with 'just be yourself' because the balance is almost non-existent at the moment.  I feel I can be one or the other at the moment, working toward a more defined line of 'middle'.  I don't want to lose the relationship in any of these or other things, because he is extremely loving, more supportive, and healthier than many of my previous relationships.  Bottom line: it's hard to be in a relationship (healthy or not) and experience the symptoms and aftermath of BPD.  

I had so many problems with past relationships that I could point out where I, indeed, was the issue:
1. Why do I smother him or her?  Why am I distant toward him or her?

2. I need to remain myself and not blend my identity into him or her.  Also, the more important question: who am I again?

3. I need to make time to work on myself, but I also don't need to neglect him or her.

4. Why am I offended by this comment that he or she made?  Why am I not offended by what he or she said?

5. Why do I feel jealousy?  Also, who wouldn't feel jealous at his or her behavior?

And the list goes on and on.  However, although I always wonder where that middle line is, I'm getting closer.  These and other questions start making me 'should' myself, such as 'I should know these things by now; I'm 33.'  But one of the keys I have in my hand is patience, and although it's rusty from not being used enough this key is starting to fit and turn the lock more and more.  For that, I am grateful.

I often wonder if my charming narcissist father and my passive-aggressive soft-spoken mother have anything to do with the symptoms I experience when it comes to BPD; I'm pretty sure I've heard someone say that the environmental factor of a household with at least one narcissistic parent tends to contribute to the likelihood of their child or children having BPD. 

Sometimes I hate feeling like I have a world to save at all.  On the days I feel pretty dramatic yet high, I feel like a superwoman; soon after, the maladaptive daydreaming begins.  I dream about saving everyone and the world- all except myself.  In all reality, though, the world I must save is mine.  My world is the only one I can save, and I have to make an active decision everyday not to attempt to destroy it or let it continue to be wrecked by my own hands.  Either way, it's up to me.  

Not that I am trying to be anti anything.

Or spark a debate. 

I just thought this was funny. And reminded me of how I was first diagnosed and around all these people who were so religious and praised Jesus for everything. Jesus is not God in my opinion. God is God. But again, not trying to start a debate. 

I just want to say, science is science. And science studies things that can be observed. It is observed that meds help people with symptoms like mine. They help to eliminate my symptoms, to resolve them, to make them less noticable. Jesus only furthered my delusions. Peer reviewed was a nice touch. I just thought this was funny and I wanted to put this here for anyone else who might appreciate it. 

It's just a joke. God has it's place. Science has it's place. I don't subscribe to any religion and probably nobody should. Because none of the spiritual leaders did. Religion breeds money and money breeds greed. And greed breeds corruption. Just treat everyone how you would like to be treated. That means treating everyone fairly. 

The first time I was diagnosised with schizophrenia was in University in 1996.  When I got the diagnosis I thought the dr was crazy. I thought I was impossible for me to have a mental illness, I was a young healthy smart guy the doc must be wrong so I flipped on the doc and continued on with my life as if nothing happened. I had to leave school in 1999 because I couldn't afford to continue my education and in 2003 I had a serious breakdown and the mental health crisis unit recommended that I see a dr so I could get a diagnosis again, I was admitted in the the hospital for observation but I left the next day. Once again I was diagnosised with schizophrenia but I wasn't having any of that. Then in 2009 During another pshycotic episode my father had the police take me to the hospital and I was forced to stay there for 3 months for observation.  I was a danger to myself and the community, I finally accepted the fact that I was ill. It took me 13 years to finally accept that I was ill. My problem was pride and ignorance that's what prevented me from accepting my schizoaffective disorder diagnosis. Also, having a mental illness in arab culture is worse than a death wish, my whole family, most of my friends and community shunned me. I was devasted and all alone but all that made me into a very strong and resilient person.

You are beautiful to me
And I love you completely.
We have never gotten along it seems.
You're always way too busy.
I reach out to you and
I reach out to dad.
Both of you dismissing
Any pain that I might have.
You both are easy to love,
And toxic in your own ways too
Everytime I try to get close,
I can't because there's no way through.
Dad is messed up emotionally
And I get it, so am I.
You don't want me to lean on you financially.
I'm so on my own or so I try.
I'm doing half way okay.
Everything is not perfect.
But I'm living an authentic life.
And for me, it's worth it.

There was a time when I was on disability and had to see state doctors who accepted Medicaid and Medicare. So I would visit state funded mental health treatment facilities. And I was shuffled in and out. The therapist complemented my ability to dress myself with some taste. As if other "clients" didn't care or if I were dressing up for my appointment. I found it insulting to place so much emphasis on my clothes. And then my mom joined the session and the therapist and my mom talked over me. It was awful and I have not tried therapy since. And I don't recommend a controlling mother go with you.

State doctors.... their paperwork is not accurate. They inflate symptoms. The doctor filled out my disability paperwork without asking me questions, said I was crying when I was annoyed and angry. But crying looks better on paper. They just fill out meds, don't take personal interest in you. You are a number amongst thousands. And they do everything with red tape, have no problem ceasing care if you don't line up with the red tape... you are on your own with state doctors. They don't really care.

I've been with a doctor who has a private practice for a little over a year now. He asks about my home life. Everything is written down, all of his notes, by hand. He's always thinking of ways for me to improve, tells me everyone gets stressed out, advises me to stay away from my mom if her abuse and neglect make me suicidal, encourages me to work, applauds my efforts, and takes care when prescribing meds.

It's night and day difference in care received. I'm not just a number but a client in a private practice. Love my choices. My mom wanted me to stay on disability, refused to help me when I chose to work, and I am happier for it.

I'm really grateful for meds. I always want to come off meds. All the time. But I am also grateful for meds. They keep me grounded, centered in reality. Not paranoid. Off meds, I am nothing but paranoid and delusional. 

Meds saved my life. I was practically living on the streets with no stability. My mind was a mess and I did not trust anyone. I lived in fear and felt I had to defend myself with everyone. 

I suffered from delusions, major delusions, which affected every area of my life. I thought that someone had planted cameras on me. Everywhere I went, and in whatever room I was in, in my computer, in my phone, all over the place, in the walls, someone planted cameras and recording devices and I felt I had absolutely no privacy. I thought the whole world was in on it. Everyone in the whole world was against me. I was terrified. I thought the CIA was after me and that they were trying to burn down my apartment buidling. Any fight with anyone produced massive amounts of paranoia, thinking everyone was out for my life. 

It was very scary. Life and death scary. Just my imagination running away from me and meds saved my life. Meds took about two months, two and a half months, maybe three months of taking meds and then finally, my delusions cleared like clouds clearning, the rain going away and the sun coming out. My delusions just go away on meds. And then I have to realize that nope, no one put cameras on me, nope, the whole world doesn't know who I am. There is always a lot of relief after I realize that the whole world doesn't want to kill me. It's always a major sigh of relief. Feels so much better to be able to wake up from that nightmare. 

Yet, I want to go off meds. Why? Because I don't like the stigma associated with meds. Because I worry about the longterm consequences of taking medicine and the effects it will have on my body. Because I just want to be normal. NORMAL. Ugh. Normal. What a desire. 

But yeah, medicine saved my life. I just have to live my life with meds in it. Make sure I drink less alcohol. Make sure I take care of my body and avoid Tylenol altogether because I worry about my liver. Drink teas that are healing for your liver. And meditate and do yoga. Just grow with grace. Let it all go and grow with grace. 

So what I have to take meds? There are worse things in life. I could be in prison for so many of my behaviors but they let it all go because of my diagnosis. I owe it to others, like my mom and my boyfriend, to continue taking meds and continue to work on loving myself  fully. FULLY. I want to just adore who I am and I'm almost there. 

I will stay on meds. And learn to adjust my life and give thanks for the treatment options available. Thanking the universe for meds so I suppose I will continue to take them. Meds allow me to work, allow me to function, save my life. I will honor them as sacred and just take them. No biggie. Just have to take meds. At least this option exists. It didn't in the past. It was just awful before. So thankful for meds and being able to function. 

I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Before I was diagnosed, I was going to school full time and also working part time at a casino. I loved going to school but found it to cause a feeling of pressure. I hated working at the casino and didn't like a lot of the people nor their projected image of me while I worked there. I became ill and quit both school and work abrubptly. I became paranoid and quit trusting everyone and only trusting others for delusional reasons. I was like this for years. Finally, a doctor was able to diagnose me after some of my delusions were vocalized regarding my mother. For years, I was able to hide it. I have since been diagnosed with schizoprhenia, bipolar with psychosis, and the one I agree with: schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. 

I have quit medicine and treatment many times, at least four times. And each time I relapsed into my delusional symptoms, each time worse than the previous time. More violent, more demanding while under psychosis. I have learned from experience that life is just way easier on medicine and in treatment. I have learned that I would rather take medicine daily than lose touch with reality and think the whole world is out to get me. 

There was a time where I kept this all hidden. But I had to talk about it. I at first found Facebook groups. Then I told friends. My family never really accepted it. My mom blames me for things I did under psychosis and our relationship has a terrible rift in it as a result. And I do not trust my mom nor feel comfortable being vulnerable around her. I've lost friends who thought it was better to keep their distance. I do speak my mind and when it's delusional, I am aggressive. They think it's better to stay away. Keeping distance over something I have no voluntary control over. Just to medicate it away and no one wants to take medicine. 

Best we all just stay away from each other. They don't offer real support and that's fine. I'm on my own. I lost my mind and went into my own world. My favorite people were there and they talked to me daily by the second. Music was a great communicator. Tv communicated with me. The radio communciated with me. Books had deeper meaning and it was also a form of communication with God. I would open books at random and think it was God responding to me. I enjoyed these activities. But it was all delusional. These are activities I no longer get to enjoy because of medicine. It's just not the same on medicine because it doesn't feel as real. 

But medicine does allow me to work. And I work well. I'm a good worker. Medicine allows me to think clearly. Medicine has its benefits. I have to see the positive side of medicine. I can avoid abuse on meds. Off meds, people will take advantage of you. And I think others are helping me when I am delusional and these pepole are actually just taking stuff from me or hurting me. Because I am delusional, I interpret the abuse as help. So medicine helps me avoid that altogether. Medicine has a positive side. I will continue to take medicine. 

I will meditate and talk to God still. I just like that talking to God is my only focus off meds. But on meds, I have other interests. So I guess medicine is good for me, maybe good for my soul as I do not attack others. I am not paranoid and delusional on meds. I will of course continue to take medicine. Medicine saved my life. I also have to acknowledge that. I am suicidal off meds, too. Another aspect to consider. Better just stay on them and be grateful to have my mind back and all the delusions gone. Giving thanks to the scientific community for their work and research.

1. It's okay to not like people. Even if that means family and friends. You don't have to like everyone. Even if it is your mom or dad. Especially if you encounter negativity or get abused or neglected by these people. It's okay to say, hey we are not meant to be in eachother's lives. Let's take a break from this relationship. And mean it. Move on, and take a much needed break.
2. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. Not everyone wants the best for you and some are willing to take what you have to ensure that they have the best. Learn to look out for your own self interests. And protect your self interests. What is important to you is important for a reason. Honor what is important to you above all else.
3. Learn to say NO. No is a helpful word. If we did not utilize the word no, people would be saying yes to everything and greatly overextending themselves. Learn the value in the word NO. Learn to use it at the right time and for the right reasons. Yes may be necessary at times. Just as NO is necessary at other times. Use both words accordingly.
4. Learn to have fun, whatever is fun to you. Everyone has a different idea of fun. Some like high impact sports, others like yoga. Some like to go running and others like nature walks. Just whatever inspires your soul, whatever brings you peace, whatever brings moments of happiness, do that. And do it often.
5. Learning that I really don't know anything about life. In your teens and twenties, you think you know so much, if not everything. And as you hit your thirties and forties, you realize, you don't know as much as you thought you did, if anything at all. What do we really know as fact? We only know scientific research and what is seen with the visible eye. But there are things that we do not know or understand and our awareness can always be expanded to consider this side of life, too.

How People Support Someone with a Mental Illness vs. Physical Illness


With mental illness, I was blamed for my behaviors that I did while under a deep state of psychosis. I was told to get over it and quit talking about it once I had healed and I was upset that everyone was fighting with me during psychosis. They fought with me when I was in an altered state of reality. They took me seriously. And I was like, why would you do that ? Or better yet, why would you hold a seance in response? Do you think I am posessed? It's enough to confuse you and make your blood boil. 

I was told that I should not talk about it after I healed. I was told that I would be judged if I talked about it and I should keep quiet about it. But this lessens the experience for me. I want to talk about it. And raising awareness about mental health issues is not attention seeking. It is important and valid. 

I was never told I was weak or lazy but I was called deceitful because of my behaviors during psychosis. Getting judged while you are in altered state is a new form of low. It's like, okay, the person judging you is NOT understanding the situation at all. They are not understanding the loss of judgement that occurs during psychosis. 

I was told that taking medicine was my responsiblity. And when I tried to quit meds, I was told that was my choice and I was offered no help in getting better. I was homeless and had to pull myself up from the ground to get going. No help was offered. 

The way my family responds to my mental health diagnosis is wrong. And guess what, I think I am going to stay away from them for the time being. Take a break from this. Time to build a life I love with the people I love. And just enjoy my life and ignore those who don't even attempt to understand me.

Breaking the Fear of Stigma

When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, the news was earth-shattering. It rang in my ears like an alarm going off - something is very wrong with me. Of course, it was not until the meds worked and my delusions went away that I truly felt the magnitude of the diagnosis, the gravity of it. And my family felt the gravity of it. They were all stunned and just assumed I was angry. But I was delusional. Delusions went away - and so did my anger. This also stunned them. The change in personality. Me getting diagnosed and the change that meds caused in me had my parents not understanding at all. 
But it made things clear for me. I realized my mind was tricking me. And that alone was scary, to know something like that can happen to a person, especially me. It was just earth-shattering, receiving my diagnosis. Traumatic to say the very least. Life changing. Perspective changing. Personality changing. Humbling. 

After you receive your diagnosis, you have to go around the same people who  honestly have not learned much about mental illness. The world is still very much in the dark about it. And these people can be angry over something you said during psychosis or they might just be abusive by nature. I encountered many "mean" people who were downright cruel after I received my diagnosis. Ugh. I hung out with a religious group, and that was where I encountered the "mean" person. He told me that my mom would protect me because after I was diagnosed, I felt like a child again. And I needed my mom. And this person was mean about it. And I was just processing feelings. I couldn't hide my feelings. And I was hanging out with these people at a religious function. And I was trapped with them. Of course, I have never allowed that situation to happen again and avoid those who are "religious" by nature. Because others at this party gave all the credit toward my healing to "Praise Jesus" rather than admit science saved me. If anything, Jesus was part of my delusions and the meds made that part go away. Jesus was clouding my judgment. I'm not religious but I understand it having been raised that way. Now, I'm a free bird. Anyway, I learned to overcome that kind of stigma, and the fear that you experience when you encounter the stigma, by standing tall around those who practice that kind of stigma. I have learned to use science and facts to support my healing and if people want to think I am evil, I let them with joy and even feed into it. I quit caring so much about people who are insignificant in my life. 

Learning to overcome stigma after returning to work was something else. For the longest time, I had feelings of being inadequate and that I was an invalid. But I like to learn and I work hard. And I have kept being challenged. I used to think that someone with my diagnosis couldn't work. I used to think that working would be too much because my thoughts or emotions or feelings might get in the way. But after working, I have learned that I excel with a challenge. I deliver. I do well. Work is good for me. And I am good at usiing my mind and working. Work feeds my soul. I have learned to avoid those who don't enjoy a hard day's work because it's a joy only those who enoy working understand. And half my family collects disability and then does drugs. They think I am crazy to work. And I think they are crazy to live their life like that. We are not the same. 

Overcoming stigma in relationships is difficult. People who are really untrained in mental health always want to tell you how you behave this way or that and call it mental illness. That is the worst kind of stigma, labeling all behaviors as mental illness. This I have encountered and the only thing to do about that is to cut people off. You don't want to be around someone who is constantly putting you in a box. I have left relationships for this and nothing makes me more proud of myself. I could have stayed and endured further mistreatment. But I left. I moved on. And I didn't look back. This goes for men I've dated as well as family. Learning to walk away from those who don't truly take an interest in my life. It' s their loss. 

You will always find others who want to put you in a box because of your mental health disorder. Or who always want to accuse you of missing your meds. These are the people to avoid. They are negative and no one needs that kind of influence in your life. You can enjoy life with a mental health disorder. Religion never saved anyone, especially not me. You can work and excel at work with a severe mental health disorder. The media needs to portray stories of success more often. Homeland is a story of success for someone with bipolar disorder. You can be in a positive relationship with a mental health disorder. And you can walk away from any relationship that does not feed and nurture your soul. It helps if you work to walk away easier. Never settle. Always work on developing yourself. There is always more to learn. 

Let's end the stigma associated with mental health disorders. Even if that means walking away from people who you think are "primary" to your life. We live multiple lives. There are always primaries in your life. Who cares? Make yourself your primary and look after yourself non-stop. Walk away from those who practice stigma. They will never feed your soul. 

2018 was a rough year for me. All because Walgreens overcharges people with prescription costs. Walgreens tried to sell me meds for over $300 to fill. I gasped. There was no way I could afford that monthly cost. I assumed that I was ok. And questioned if the meds helped me. Then decided that I would try to live life without meds. And I lost my mind. Again. Same delusions all over again. Right back in the middle of my psychosis. Look, meds are a necessity. People with diabetes also need meds to survive. Life or death. And they are overcharged on the cost of meds. I have no choice but to vote for free healthcare, free education, freedom to peacefully protest. We need to have social workers respond to mental health crisis calls. We don't need the police there, who are threatening by nature when I truly need to simply see a psychiatrist. There are a million reasons why we need to do better. Jails are overcrowded and mostly unnecessary. We can find a better system for that. I believe in change and Yes, we can change for the better.
#mentalhealth

EDIT - Use GoodRx App to get a low cost on meds. 

People act like I am schizoaffective on purpose. And stay away from me. It's their loss because there is recovery. True friends have never left my side, only noted my strengths, and gave me room to cope. The mom and sisters in my immediate family could not even think to do that. Their first thought was to place me in a home and keep me out of sight and out of mind. And now we have shallow relationships. But it's their loss. I'm a true survivor. I didn't marry for money, for kids, for any possessions, for drugs. Nothing like that. I'm working on me. And I am a litigation paralegal who knows how to serve an amazing Italian dinner. I'm proud of myself.

10 Signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

A List and Follow Up Questions to See If and How You Relate to Each Symptom:

1.Detachment from Others

One of the first symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder is detachment from others. This can happen for a myriad of complicated reasons. Often, those with PTSD are afraid of how they might behave in front of other people. They worry that they might become angry or react strangely to normal occurrences.

Do you feel alone in this world and like you can relate to no one? If the answer is yes, how can you start to getting back to being in touch with your friends/family who are supportive of you? Can you join groups that interest you? I joined Alcoholics Anonymous and found something that brings me both peace and understanding. Do you think you could find help in a group similar or the same as that?

I have left so many family members behind. Left friends too. I am finding people from online groups that I relate to in the most positive ways. And I joined alcoholics anonymous and it's changing me in the most profound way. It made me think differently about drinking. It's not just fun and games. It can be damaging too. I drink to not feel alone. And it makes me more alone. I find that I need to reach out and I am at times and it's helping. My online friends are everything. We have so much in common. It's amazing that we found each other. THere is hope in online support groups. And in alcoholics anonymous. Sharing is caring. And I find that when I share my feelings, I feel more open to others and when they share, I don't feel so alone in this world. 

2.Flashbacks

Flashbacks are another symptom of PTSD. The symptom causes a person to relive a traumatic event. The emotional response is different for everyone. However, flashbacks often cause feelings of panic, extreme stress, and physical issues like fainting, heart palpitations, and high blood pressure.

Do you have flashbacks of bad experiences? Do they make you feel small and fearful? Do you relive the trauma? Can you bring yourself back to the present moment and try to remember that that negative moment no longer exists and you are now in the present and there  is peace here? Do you think that is possible for you?

I am not sure if I have flashbacks. I have moments where I remember painful memories but my mind is usually in a happy place as I am usually focused on my goals, at work. When at home with nothing to do, I usually feel lost and alone. I need hobbies. When I have roommates, I hope to build hobbies with them. 

3.Nightmares

Frequent nightmares are a common symptom of PTSD. These nightmares may focus on the event that created the trauma or they may appear unrelated. Nightmares are different from flashbacks in that they occur on a subconscious level during sleep, while flashbacks take place while the mind is alert and awake.

Do you find yourself having nightmares of bad experiences of a fears? Do you have lucid dreaming where you don’t really rest? Are you afraid to ask your doctor for addicting sleeping meds? Can you try guided meditation to help you rest your mind? Do you think there are other coping techniques? What has helped you?

I rest but it's not always restful. I have lucid dreaming many times. I think as I sleep. I work out problems and I am awake-sleeping. I am thinking as I dream. I sometimes enjoy it and sometimes need more rest. But I do fall asleep and I do dream almost every night. I wake up with songs and thoughts in my head and am ready to start my day. I wake up on-go.

4.Avoiding Reminders

Someone with PTSD may avoid situations that remind them of the events around the trauma. For example, if the traumatic event happened at work, then the person with PTSD may have difficulty returning to their job. Additionally, they may not want to be around family or friends they associate with the traumatic event. This symptom can interfere with one's livelihood and social life.

I do this. I avoid all family events because of how I was treated when at my worst and it’s a painful reminder of when I was much unloved. I don’t know how to overcome this one. Hopefully one day friends will become family or maybe I will make a family of my own. It’s something I am working on. What are you doing to help you with the bad habit of avoiding reminders?

I avoid family like the plague because they are full of bad reminders for me. Even my niece became a source of major discomfort. My sisters are a source of discomfort as they lack understanding and I only feel judgment from them. So I avoid them. My mom married my dad's brother and the holidays are a reminder of that. So I avoid the holidays where they all celebrate together and I still cant seem to comprehend it. I look forward to spending the holidays with my friend Stacey from now on as she is a souce of love and non judgement. 

5.Insomnia

Insomnia, or the inability to sleep, is another symptom of PTSD. There are many reasons this occurs. Some people may find that they keep worrying about the event that caused the trauma, making it difficult to clear their minds and drift off to sleep. The knowledge that nightmares begin after they drift off can also make sleep difficult. Doctors can prescribe medications and holistic methods such as meditation to help reduce instances of this debilitating symptom.

Insomnia is a horrible symptom. And many have it. Nothing worse than missing a good night’s sleep and feeling drained all day. I have had my troubles with insomnia and find that keeping a schedule and taking medicine before bedtime helps. What have you found that helps you fight the battle of insomnia?

If I miss my meds, I can't sleep. If I take my meds too early, I can't sleep. Sleep sometimes does evade me. But if I have a routine, I sleep well. I have to have a routine and I stick with it. People who do not respect my routine cannot be around me. I get irritable and quickly snap at them. 

6.Lack of Motivation

Sleeping too much or generally losing interest in day-to-day activities and hobbies about which one used to feel passionate can be an indicator of PTSD or another condition such as depression. If someone experiences this symptom over the long-term, on a regular basis, it may be advisable to seek professional help or advice.

Do you feel unmotivated to go after goals? To do what you want to do in life? Do you have desires to achieve things in life? What are they? Do you remember when you were little? How inspired you were? Can you get back to that inner child frame of mind and remember how life appealed to you as a child? What inner child work are you doing for yourself today?

My mom threatens me with putting me in a home. WHich is enough to keep me motivated for several lifetimes. Suicide is not an option as I often feel I will fail and end up in a home with a permanent disorder. I just stick with the program and don't give in or give up. I fight as much as I can to keep going no matter how much I want to give in or give up. It's not an option. Failure is not an option. One day, it won't be so difficult. One day, I will find a life partner. Right now, it's just me. 

7.Anger

An individual with PTSD may exhibit irritability and anger in varying degrees and at sometimes unexpected intervals, often to a greater degree than they once did. This can happen for a variety of reasons and can impact interpersonal relationships and job performance.

Are you angry with the circumstances you have been given in life? Do you feel slighted by others? Do you feel like you have been dealt a bad hand of cards and like life is not in your favor? How can you turn those negatives into positives? There are people walking around without the ability to hear, see, walk, and more. And they find positives. How can you learn to see the positives in your situation?

My mom lied to me my entire life and still lies. So she is a source of anger. My sister lies now too. So she is a source of anger. I would not want to be in either shoes so I don't know why they lie. But it must make their lives easier. I tend to tell the truth because I prefer to. I prefer it becauuse its easier and I don't mind dealing with consequences. I'm strong enough to deal with the consequences and my life is not built on a lie. It's built on me. and I have been me since day one. I get angry with my family because I don't feel like they are honest with me or themselves. 

8.Memory Loss

Memory loss can be associated with PTSD. Often, an individual will mentally block out the traumatic event temporarily or permanently. This presents challenges in the diagnosis, acceptance, and recovery, as many mental health professionals encourage their patients to face and discuss the circumstances that led to the condition. In addition, people with PTSD may have difficulty recalling recent events unrelated to the trauma.

Are you suffering from memory loss? Are there blocks of time you don’t remember? Does this make you feel uneasy? Could you see it as a benefit? Do you realize we are infinite and some things are done for our protection? Can you see this too as a benefit? Can you reframe you thinking into more positive thoughts?

Never had a problem with memory loss. I remember most things and most things about most things. I can recall what I was feeling, thinking, and why I thought the way I thought. Even during psychosis, I can recall exactly what I thought and why. It helps me. 

9.Feeling Jumpy

People with PTSD may find that they feel jumpy or are never completely at ease. This often occurs when a traumatic event that caused the condition is particularly frightening and life-endangering. For example, many soldiers who have spent time in active war zones and other dangerous situations may experience PTSD and, as a result, loud noises and stressful situations reminiscent of the trauma can trigger emotional and physical responses.

Do you have triggers? Do things make you jumpy? Do you like a peaceful environment? Do you not like to be around crowds? This one is tough for me. But if you realize that all people are just trying to be happy for the most part, can you see a crowd as a group of people just trying to get by, just like you? And maybe not as people to be afraid of? Can you try to start to think this way?

No, not too jumpy. But do prefer music and quiet people. 

10.Turning to Drugs and Alcohol

Sometimes, people with PTSD turn to self-medication in the form of recreational drugs and excessive alcohol consumption. This is another sign that professional medical care is necessary as soon as possible. The excessive use of drugs and alcohol can exacerbate feelings of depression and other dangerous symptoms that can lead to suicide or otherwise put an individual's life in danger.

Have you ever considered not self-medicating? Have you ever considered attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? Not smoking weed? Not turning to hard drugs? How about attending a Narcotics Anonymous Meeting? Do you know the benefits of these things? They change lives. Even if you are not an addict. You can still benefit by attending these free meetings. Call and attend today. I strongly recommend. Would you go?

Oh, I self-medicate my family pain away. My family is a great source of pain but I am learning that if I want to be in control, self-medicating is not an option. And there is therapy. I go to alcoholics anonymous and hearing others stories makes me want to manage my life in a more positive way. It makes me want to take steps to love myself better, to nurture myself more, to take the right steps and get away from those who are not loving themselves in a way that is healthy. I want to be healthy and have those around me be healthy too. 

You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

When the snow and ice fell to the ground 

And the holidays started to come around

I called you up For another chance at romance

You called me sweet, our lips did meet

It felt like bliss, our first kiss

But You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

A year later, we're still together

Not by luck, it feels were stuck

we work through each and every obstacle

no matter the fight, we always make it right

I overlook this, you laugh at that

soon we only look at sugar coated moments

But You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

Do you really know me?

Do I really know you?

Is this the depth we are looking for?

Is this relationship truth?

When You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

Truly You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

Think a little deeper

dig a little more

Your heart is an open vessel 

that wants to be explored 

Get under it

try to understand

everything you're going thru

is part of the master plan

Listen closely

your soul knows the way

Listen to your inner thoughts

and what your soul has to say

Let intuition

be your guiding light

and you'll never be lost

between day and night

Think a little deeper

dig a little more

your heart is an open vessal

that wants to be explored

Never sacrifice your right

to say yes or no

Listen closely

to your divine soul.

What it's like to date someone with schizoaffective disorder?

He takes me as I am!

Below is a list of questions regarding dating someone with mental illness (me and I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type). I'm not easy to date and some days are better than others. I have good days and bad. Up and down. Sometimes my head is in the clouds and other times, I'm grounded and centered. Depends on how much I did for the day and I don't really know. Just depends. I've been with my boyfriend over a year and we might get married. I decided to take a moment and ask him questions about my disorder and see how he really feels about me. I was pleased with the answers and I hope you are, too.

1.) Are you aware of the diagnosis and what does it mean to you?

Yes, I am aware fully. It means that I have to protect you from certain things sometimes, namely yourself, you know? I have to tolerate the you know mood swings and stuff like that. 

2.) How does it affect your life?
Have to pick up meds on occasion, never really sure which version of my girlfriend will show up which means like what she will be today, mean from the other day, or not, it's challenging, very challenging. 
Never date a girl with curly hair, they clog up the drains 

3.) Do you see your girlfriend in your future? 
Yes, I do. She's sweet. Generally has a heart of gold. 

4.) How does the disorder affect your girlfriend?
Um, she hates always having to take meds everyday and wants to be free of the meds. She doesn't like being judged by others about it. She might resent it. Doesn't like being judged. Doesn't like the stigma that comes with mental illness. Hates if you tell her you are going to put her in the hospital. 

5.) What is one good thing about her disorder?
It makes her who she is, right? So if that is the side-effect of a disorder, I guess it's not so bad. 

6.) Do you regret dating her? Would you change it? 
I should have ran the other way, huh? Too late now. No regrets though. I live without regrets. 

7.) Should she stay on meds? 
Yes, because she can't function without them. She will be standing on the corner screaming at Jesus if she doesn't have her meds.

Those were his answers and I guess I should stay on meds. I do yell at Jesus and others off meds and for delusional reasons, that only make sense to me. So, sure I guess I will continue to take meds. I feel better on them, anyway.  

I accept the fact

that I need meds

I accept it with anguish

I accept it with dread

taking meds daily

a hard pill to swallow

Looks like my family's dysfuntion 

is something I follow

Although the meds help

resolve the delusions

eliminate paranoia

and disolve the confusion

I now have a label

another one I suppose

in a hate-filled world

where animosity grows

can't wait for eternity

where I know it's better than this

where there is just a knowing

that we exist in bliss

People may not understand my feelings about my family. They have never let me live with them when I was homeless due to episodes of mental health. And it's happened at least 4 times. My mom has a history of locking me up at my cousin's, taking away both my license and vehicle and not allowing me to accept positions in the legal field because they were "too far away." She has yelled and sworn at me in public and I have never done this to her. But I have called her out on social media for being a Trump supporter. And I have called her out for her harsh treatment of me for my mental health issues. And I have called out family for allowing me to be homeless. I have not seen my sisters in over a year and I could have gone over for Christmas but holiday-relationships are overrated especially when you have been left out in the cold. Now that I am doing better, I am treated better by all of them. But when I was at my worst, for a condition that I have no control over and for one that requires education, I was met with both neglect and abuse. Which is why I started my website, to talk about stigma that people endure and to give a place to heal from it. Yes, I love these people. But I was only consistently treated with love and respect, and help from my friend Stacey. You know who you are. She has taken me in every time. And Tammie was there for me. But Stacey let me live with her each time and helped me get back on my feet. I wouldn't be a paralegal today if it weren't for her. My mom had me locked up. But Stacey saved me. She picked me up from the police station that my mom had dropped me off at, thinking that was all I was good for. She had taken my phone, taken my vehicle, and all I had was a bag of clothes, my license and Stacey's number, which I knew by heart. Thank God I knew her number by heart. She saved my life that day. You can all judge me for things you don't understand. My family only looks perfect in pictures. We are by far from perfect.

Further Reflections:

I decided that I am going to speak out against stigma. My own family treats me with terrible stigma. They treat me terribly. In the past, it was so terrible. I just don't want to be around them when I think of it. Leaving me at a police station. What was her thinking on that, my mom's? I was homeless and that is what she did. And she has plenty of money. She stole my dad's business. So I guess you can say she owns a business. She pretty much destroyed my dad when she married his brother. 

Never was I signed up for therapy. The books that my aunt gave me were ridiculed. And I was told not to read them. So I didn't. But they could have helped. I found self help books in my twenties. 

But to be left at a police station? She took my phone and my car. She left me with no money and a bag of clothes. At a police station.

Did she want me to be arrested? 

And people defend her.

They think she is helpless.

She takes whatever she wants in life.

She just quit wanting me.

I threw her relationship with my uncle in her face. 

My sister/cousin.

The fact that she stole the business that my grandpa left to my dad.

She fought in court for that business and she fought hard.

My dad said she would never have quit fighting.

She fought with me during psychosis. She fought to put me on disabilty and wanted me in a home.

She wanted me locked up.

But I ran away.

I'm going to speak out against this type of abuse.

She gave me an apology last week. She said she "overstepped her boundaries with me."

She never mentioned the police station.

She just mentioned that I am doing well at work.

She knows the police make me paranoid.

But I knew my friend's number by heart.

And I called her and she answered and she lived 45 minutes away, all freeway.

And it took her forever to get there.

But she came.

And she let me stay with her.

I was around love again.

I met my boyfriend at a bar that I was bartending at.

And I admitted all my faults in the first night, trying to scare him off.

It didn't work.

He knew what I was trying to do.

He only saw potential.

And he chased me.

But he also sent my favorite song, Maxwell, "Don't you ever wonder" on our first date in a text to me

And it was a sign

Also, when I gave him my number and looked back at the paper a month later, it was written on an order slip with the numbers 333

which are my numbers

another sign

He's a good guy

He has some bad habits

But he takes good care of me

And he keeps me safe

where my family didn't

where I didn't even keep myself safe

I kept going around people who weren't good for me

because of delusions and habits

because we were family

I am not safe around my mom

Or my dad

I have heard from my dad since last Christmas 2019 and he avoided me for the most part except a hug

The year before I couldn't even be there, it was too much,  too much pain

I went but left within ten minutes

My dad can hang out with my sister but not me

And she is probably not even his

Despite everyone's lies, no one can bring forth easily found proof these days

And I'm sure she is my mom's first boyfriends, who wouldn't marry my mom and my mom and dad had a shotgun marriage and a child in the next 8 months

They only dated a week before the marriage

He was mourning her sister, my aunt who dumped him

She only dated him for his car

And I think my mom saw dollar signs

I think she dropped me off at the police station to have me admitted and to put me in a home because filling out the disabilty paperwork was not working out for her

And that was plan B

Just like when she first got me into the system

She provoked a fight

said horrible things

made me react

and then called the cops on me

and had me admitted

because I was never a harm to myself or others

She made it worse

I am not safe around her

I plan to speak out against stigma. Against forced treatment. Therapy works. But they hand out meds like it's candy. I would love to come off meds. 

But meds are support.

Meds get me through a day.

And I would explain that stigma exists, even in your family and friends. Even in your health providers. 

And you need support. Find out who supports you. If you can't find it in your own circle, then join a group. Online. Find someone. Don't be afraid to speak up. 

And keep chasing your dreams. If you don't know what your passions are, watch movies, listen to music, read books, learn. Find out what inspires your soul.

Work if you want to work. I wish we lived in a world where you could talk about it openly. I am at a place where mostly I do. And yes, people use your weakness against you. People love to do that. I express that I am a little "crazy but in a good way." 

I had a dream last night. About the jerk in Cali and a brother of someone in high school, who is ficticious, but symbolic. I was in Cali and homeless and the guy in Cali was in a bar and I was trying to make it there when he was there. So that we could talk. I was doing all the work. And I knew that he loved me and that I loved him. But the only effort he put into this "relationship" was when we were both "present." Probably has something to do with he and I drinking.

And in the meantime, I was homeless and struggling and lost in a huge Hudsons' store with escalators going up and up and up but never down and out of the store. And I met someone. It was M. Spark's brother. And I hung out with him. And he showed me empathy. He showed me love. He showed me true friendship. 

But I still assumed I needed to be faithful to the jerk in Cali. But as I was in this huge store, and M. Spark's brother left to go back home to Michigan, I was so lost, so lost trying to find a way out. And it was near Christmas. And I began seeing all these beautiful items for men. And the only one I wanted to buy a gift for was M. Spark's brother. 

And I realized that I could have all my dreams come true through him. I could have all the love I need, without the abuse and neglect, through him. And I realized that I wanted to spend my life with him. And as I realized this, I was not lost anymore. I quickly knew my way out of the store, quickly found a plane ride home, quickly found him and we spent our holiday together and our lives together. And I knew everything would be perfect. 

The idea that I am obligated to that jerk in Cali is a trap. A mean one at that. I am not obligated to him. I found all the love I need in Jason. I love how he treats me. I hope we spend our lives together and there are no mind games. There are no mind games. I'll say that again, because it deserves repeating. 

There are NO mind games. Just honest love. I'm gonna marry Jason.  And it's better than any love I have ever found. It's honest love. It's real love. It's solid, good, heart-felt love. My soul told me this is the correct path. It confirmed it. 

Mad Pride is a mass movement of the users of mental health services, former users, and the aligned, which advocates that individuals with mental illness should be proud of their 'mad' identity. 

It was formed in 1993 in response to local community prejudices towards people with a psychiatric history living in boarding homes in the Parkdale area of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and an event has been held every year since then in the city except for 1996. A similar movement began around the same time in the United Kingdom. By the late 1990s similar events were being organized under the Mad Pride name around the globe, including Australia, Ireland, Portugal, Brazil, Madagascar, South Africa, France, South Korea and the United States.

Events draw thousands of participants, according to MindFreedom International, a United States mental health advocacy organization that promotes and tracks events spawned by the movement.

Mad Pride activists seek to reclaim terms such as "mad", "nutter", and "psycho" from misuse, such as in tabloid newspapers and in order to switch it from a negative view into a positive view.

Through a series of mass media campaigns, Mad Pride activists seek to re-educate the general public on such subjects as the causes of mental disabilities, the experiences of those using the mental health system, and the global suicide pandemic.

One of Mad Pride's founding activists in the UK was Pete Shaughnessy, who later died by suicide. Mark Roberts, Robert Dellar (who died in 2016) and Simon Barnet were among the other founders of the movement.

SOURCE:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mad_Pride

My father passed away 2012 and I wasn't prepared to deal with grief of lossing someone i was so close to and I was caring for.  Instead of expressing and coping with the loss In a constructive or healthy manner I turned to drugs and alcohol.  Within 6 months after the loss I became highly addicted to a few drugs and alcohol. I thought The substances would help me forget about my father, my mental illness, my depression, my loneliness and my life. To be honest I was hoping that I would overdose and pass without any pain. I went to a few rehab treatment centers but I would always relapse within months of leaving because I always went back to hanging out with my ' friends'. I learned all the  tools I needed to deal with my addictions but i couldn't deal with the feelings depression, sadness and loneliness.  During 2014 I finally spoke up and told my immediate family what was happening.  My mom offered me a room in her home and I accepted but that only lasted a few months and I was still using.  I moved out and had a place in rough part of town, that's all I could afford being on disability. 
One night I hosted a gathering for a few people that had drugs to offer and I ended up overdosing. All I remember is waking up in a hospital with breathing tubes and IV inserted into my arms. My mom was there in a chair sobbing with her hands covering her face an Something happened to me when I saw her ... i did not want be the reason my mom died from a broken heart. They say that people sometimes break addictions when they hit rock bottom and that's exactly what happened to me. My mom, sister and brother were all I had left, something inside me gave me the strength to overcome my drug and alcohol addictions, some people say that I experienced a spiritual awaking.  Ever since that day I've been sober, it's been approximinaly 5 years now. 

I recentally joined a dating site for people who suffer from mental illnesses called " No Longer Lonely".  I'm hoping to find someone that understands what it is like living and coping with the challenges of having a mental illness.  Ideally I'd like to find someone who is mature, patient, understanding, loving and kind. I feel like I'm finally ready to settle down and I want to find someone who is looking for the same. I want us to be able to share the rest of my life with someone who knows what it is like living a life with a mental illness.  I'm not interested in having children at this time, I just don't have the income or energy. I live a simple, peaceful and quiet life so hopefully my future partner appreciates that type of lifestyle. I believe that there are people who are lucky enough to find true love, I hope to be one of them. Past  experiences with love have kept me single for years...I guess I needed a lot of time to heal and recover but now I know I'm ready to love again.
 

As I've stated before, I'm still working on recovery from an unusual yet extreme addiction to chat sites.  I've gone to physical, emotional, and financial ruin as well as the destruction of friendships, familial and other relationships.  I've passed up and destroyed opportunities because I was sitting at home, hiding in my own apartment away from the world, people, and everything on the other side of my door.  Who knew that something as simple as a chat site addiction could lead to so much destruction, four years later?

This started in July 2016, when a local friend introduced me to a chat site "to have people to talk to."  Already addicted to an actual social media site at the time (Facebook), it didn't occur to me that this was not only going to be easy to become addicted to, but that it would become so much bigger and worse.  In September of the same year, a nasty breakup left me looking for people to express my frustrations to.  Soon, by Halloween I was gradually hooked.  Sitting at the computer in late 2016 led to doctors checking me for blood clots cause my legs had swollen.  That was my Christmas "gift" to myself, I guess, in all sarcasm.  Also, in November and December I spent my rent money on the site.  I actually had to get a payee that following January (2017).  Then I started sneaking and asked my parents for money.  Out of the two accounts I had, my parents probably paid 1,000 per account, per parent.  That was 4,000 dollars in addition to my own money.  They didn't know cause I lied about what I needed it for.  So I came clean about this time last year (2019). Told them both.  They were very upset.

So besides that, I had started missing doctors appointments to remain on the site instead.  Not like it was going anywhere but I would rather escape in that world than be in the real one. Got kicked from several doctors for it.  The depression, ironically, drove me to the chat site harder.  I believe it was 2017 when I got bursitis from my elbow rubbing the chair too much.  At that point and afterwards, I was on almost 24hrs a day.  After a nasty breakup, I started the second account in October 2017 and left the old account deactivated- well, for a while.  My legs continued to swell. I continued to get checked for blood clots.

In 2018, I started spending food money but kept my cat fed. So I was starving, with HUGE legs, for months. Then I quit all accounts on the chat site in August 2018 to pursue college- this helped me get healthier once again. I was doing extremely well in a class with an excellent A+ grade streak until I faced a final real life breakup with someone who I had been hoping would take me back.  I ended up going back to it on November 10th, 2018; as a result, my good grades completely fell.  I ended up with a shoulder condition because I either slept in my chair too much OR slept at the desk too much. The excruciating pain caused me to miss finals.  I had to make up an incomplete in the class because of it.  When I finally got back to school, I was toggling between a full 9 hrs of school Monday through Friday, grocery shopping and other tasks on the weekend, AND the chat site.  I puked my guts out for over two months shortly after, probably due to the stress of doing both.  I ended up withdrawing from college April 5th, 2019.

Back to the site I went.  I noticed I always drove back to it harder than the time before.  So not only was I online for 19hrs and asleep at the desk for 5hrs every day, not only was I asking my parents for money, not only was I starving with my legs growing even larger... Not only did I start missing drs appointments again... But now my feet wouldn't fit into shoes at this time because of how red and swollen they'd get. My body hit starvation mode, so I was gaining weight.  I could walk, but just barely AND with so much pain. I started being asked for money from people, and I would start giving them money...

When I joined the chat site I weighed in at 260lbs, but my body has reacted to and hated all it's been through; I tipped the scales last year at 302.  It was at that point when I stopped caring about what happened to me to the extreme.  It didn’t help that people would ask for money then stop talking to me. My case manager thought I was still “high-functioning” like I was, so she didn't check on me enough to notice sores started to grow/fester. I stopped eating mostly, but the weight on my feet and legs compensated. So no weight loss on the scale- I actually gained a bunch of swollen or water weight.  

When I went in for surgery in October 2019, it could have killed me.  I was too embarrassed to tell them I  had an infection where they were operating.  I also didn't care enough about myself to clean the incision sites like I should have.  I also didn't know what to use, but they didn't tell me properly on the paperwork or explain it correctly... I later found out, but still was a dangerous move on my part.  This year,  all of the personal neglect has produced and maintained the issues.  I ended up with plantar fasciitis, more skin sores, and worse edema from my legs in addition to what I already had going on.

One of the hardest things about this addiction that people don't hear me say is that on top of this, I ALSO had close brushes with ending it all six times in the past year.  I hated the fact that this was my nightmare and that no one could understand.  (Those who did NOT know the full extent were convinced I could just “take a break” as if I wasn’t addicted OR would joke, saying, “ya, I am ‘addicted’ too, I spend ten dollars a month here hahaha.”  Those who DID know the full extent were quick to get out of my life.)  I hated the fact that most of the connections I made on the site soon faded once I left it to save my life.  That anguish is often a trigger I end up going back over.  It felt like the darkness of addiction would drag me kicking, screaming, clawing back to it, and if I wasn’t in the IN crowd, that I’d be alone fighting to face all the tragedies life often throws at me.  I didn’t want to face that truth, so after a three week absence and vow to do better,I rejoined the site on Monday, September 14th of this year.

Being scared of being alone sucks, especially without local people to fall back onto.  COVID-19 impacted not my current situation as much as the possibility of making future friendships, which to me hurt just as much.  However, in those three weeks I learned something.  I deleted it again tonight, September 22nd, as a result of this truth:  I got a taste of living life enough to know I. LOVE. LIVING.  I live to live, I fight to live, I wake to live.  I fight enough to be awake and stay alive, because of my intermittent sleeping disorders.  Why would I completely end that fight for this?  Why would I silence my own face in the best or worst of adversities when I have come so far from where I began?  

I realized I need a whole new level of support to battle this, but in those three weeks I saw hope and possibility.  I saw what it meant to TRULY live.  My leg swelling had gone so far down.  My energy had increased to more than I had possessed in a very long time.  I noticed what affected or tanked my energy or moods and maximized the potential benefits accordingly, avoiding the dangers.  I had just redefined some parts of my eating disorders and my insecurity of not knowing how to cook by simply arranging store-bought salads with other healthy ingredients I added myself.  I had fixed my digestive tract issues.  I even lost five pounds without even focusing on weight at ALL.  

Now I am fresh off the site for a few hours this time, bruised but not broken. I deleted and uninstalled the site from my computer back then, so here I am; I’m trying to face myself and face life, too.  Here I am; I’m trying to make a life I will enjoy living.  Here I am, life.  Bring it!

Intuition is what guides us in all aspects of our life. Have you ever felt crippling fear? I have. I have also felt happiness in my soul and been led on a great chase to find what happiness means to me. I try to follow my intuition. I try to sense the way I feel about things.. To understand what my inner language is telling me. I can be fluent in intuition if I try. Many people, especially children, are in tune with their intuition. 

I imagine why the pyramiads were built? They were built in design with the stars above. Planned. Built for spiritual reasons. Or pointing to the planet of the aliens who planted us here long ago? That could be a possiblity. But we won't answer those questions today. And speculation is usually useless. 

I understand that my intuition is guiding me to my path. I wish it were direct communication. But I must appreciate that it's all about feelings. Feelings that come from my higher self communicating with me. And me listening and understanding it is using my intuition. Today I was guided to stay home and work from home. This virus is not slowing down. And if we have the ability to work from home, I think we should. I have plenty to do. And I prefer to go in. But I also need to stay home now. Fine line between what I need to do, what I should do, and what I want to do. Today, for my mentality and for staying positive, I decided to stay home. I need to regroup. Take time for me today. Work is becoming overbearing and I need to reaccess what I am doing. 

Goodies TIBETAN PERSONALITY TEST

Take your time with this test and you will be amazed. I did this last year when this came around and a spiritual wish I made did happen - in fact all year long.

Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you. Be honest and do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute; it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely. Do not cheat.

MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!

Tibetan Quest A warning! Answer the questions as you go along. There are only 4 questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results.

Go down slowly, and complete each exercise as you scroll down. Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along. You will need it at the end..

This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you a lot about your true self. Give an answer for each item. The first thing that comes to mind is usually your best answer.

Remember - no one sees this but you.

(1) Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference: Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig (2) Write one word that describes each one of the following: Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee, Sea. (3)

Think of someone, who also knows you and is important to you, which you can relate them to the following colors. Do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color: Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green. (4) Finally, write down your favorite number, and your favorite day of the week. FINISHED? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT. --------------------------------------- Look at the interpretations below: But first before continuing, REPEAT your wish. Scroll down to see answers ----------------------------------------

ANSWERS: (1) This will define your priorities in your life. Cow Signifies CAREER Tiger Signifies PRIDE Sheep Signifies LOVE Horse Signifies FAMILY Pig Signifies MONEY ---------------------------------------- (2) Your description of dog implies your own personality. Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner. Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies. Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex. Your description of the sea implies your own life. --------------------- (3)Yellow: Someone you will never forget Orange: Someone you consider your true friend Red: Someone that you really love White: Your twin soul Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

Our healthcare system is broken when a missed $20 payment causes someone to take their life. These medicines are life saving. And having these medications can sometimes make the difference between life and death. I do not think people realize how important it is to have healthcare but mandatory Medicare for everyone would save so many lives. I pray this happens in my lifetime. #mentalhealth #healthcare #medicare

Mental health awareness is on the rise and the most recent place is Oregon. Specifically, there is a new law that allows Oregon Students to take mental health days. Mental health days will now be marked as excused absensces. And students will not be penalized. The new law allows for up to five days be used for mental health days. 

This is big news and I hope the rest of the country will also follow suit. After this, I think work should also allow it. There are days when we need to nurture or monitor our mental health. And there are days when we need to make our mental health a priority. 

There has been some backlash to the news in Oregon, thinking kids will take advantage. However, I think those who misusue sick days will misuse mental health days. It will be the same people who call in sick. But this will allow for those who need a few days to recover from some mental health symptoms and go back to school feeling better and more prepared. I think this will also allow for everyone to be more aware, to be nicer to each other, and to just help eliminate bullying. 

I love sharing mental health stories with others. It's not always easy and sometimes can be emotional to do so. What happens during an episode is traumatic. However, healing does take place and so does moving on. You have to move on.

People have shared some amazing stories with me. Everyone is affected by mental health and everyone has experienced trauma. We can all relate. What we share here is a beautiful thing and it will help end stigma. We all know or are or have someone in our lives who experiences a mental health disorder. It's just far too common. 

And by sharing experiences together, we raise awareness. Raising awareness is key to ending stigma. I look forward to a day where mental illness will be as easily accepted as diabetes. Sometimes lifestyle changes can help. And sometimes medicine is necessary. You really need to think it over what works best for you. Each person has individual preferences and expectations, etc. 

Let's keep the conversation flowing and help end stigma.

"Putting Your Best Foot Forward"

To do so at a job interview would mean to make a positive first impression.

To do so while dating and beginning a new relationship would mean to tell your new partner about the positive aspects of yourself, while avoiding the things you don't like about yourself.

But to put your best foot forward with mental health is not about making a positive impression to get somewhere.

Instead, it refers to making our mental health a priority in our lives, to see our mental health as a contributing factor to our overall health.

It refers to taking the necessary steps to ensure our mental health remains intact despite daily stress and other factors which may cause us emotional strain.

What steps have you taken to put your best foot forward for your mental health?