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The two sides of suicide BY a suicide attemp survivor

Amanda

 

I have no words to fully describe my feelings right now honestly i dont know myself if im angry or sad or still in denial  maybe last one.....  i still re read our conversations and listen to her voice recordings over and over.
i cant help thinking what if... i had done this or that, what if i had... if i only knew....  was there something i could have done to save her? what crossed her mind during her last momments alive?  Hate to say this but i feel GUILTY  ... 
My racional mind tells me : Jamie tragedies happen YOUR TEARS WONT BRING HER BACK TO LIFE!  THE WHAT IF"s dont exist AMANDASHE IS OVER THE RAINBOW SHE IS AT PEACE FORGIVE YOURSELF AND THOUGH YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST YOU CAN LEARN FROM IT!  and thats why im here, i cannot bring back amanda but i will try my best to avoid that this sad story happen again.
Stories dont mean anything if you dont share them so here is her story, my story, our story:
 
I met Amanda couple of years ago  in a support group i loved her as a sister but she said  she wanted a mom like me so i said from now on you are my baby girl.
We spend nights up laughing  and we both shared hard times too i was there for her she was there for me but...   she was a big girl but she was gorgeous i wish she saw herself through my eyes! But the world is cruel iF u dont fit into certain beauty standars people can be cruel and thats why  so many people is "becoming" anorexic is not them is US BODY SHAMING THEM!  WE MAKE THEM SICK! on top of all that she had a very low self esteem very unstable and had no support so soon she was labelled as an attention seeker by doctors and also by me :(  on top of all that she started doing things i dint aprove so i turned my back on her . but kept on checking on her facebook profile untill yesterday i found out SHE LOST THE BATLE TO DEPRESSION AND DRUG ADDICTION. 
There are so many myths about suicide; 
Myth: Once an individual is suicidal, he or she will always remain suicidal.Fact: Active suicidal ideation is often short-term and situation-specific. Studies have shown that approximately 54% of individuals who have died by suicide did not have a diagnosable mental health disorder. And for those with mental illness, the proper treatment can help to reduce symptoms. The act of suicide is often an attempt to control deep, painful emotions and thoughts an individual is experiencing. Once these thoughts dissipate, so will the suicidal ideation. While suicidal thoughts can return, they are not permanent. An individual with suicidal thoughts and attempts can live a long, successful life.  that was my case i tried to kill myself and all i can telll u know is my life is not perfect i still have tough days but im happy i dindt succed i would have miss so many things.
Myth: Most suicides happen suddenly without warning.Fact: Warning signs—verbally or behaviorally—precede most suicides. Therefore, it’s important to learn and understand the warnings signs associated with suicide. Many individuals who are suicidal may only show warning signs to those closest to them. These loved ones may not recognize what’s going on, which is how it may seem like the suicide was sudden or without warning.
Myth: People who die by suicide are selfish and take the easy way out.Fact: Typically, people do not die by suicide because they do not want to live—people die by suicide because they want to end their suffering. These individuals are suffering so deeply that they feel helpless and hopeless. Individuals who experience suicidal ideations do not do so by choice. They are not simply, “thinking of themselves,” but rather they are going through a very serious mental health symptom due to either mental illness or a difficult life situation.   
Myth: Talking about suicide will lead to and encourage suicide.Fact: There is a widespread stigma associated with suicide and as a result, many people are afraid to speak about it. Talking about suicide not only reduces the stigma, but also allows individuals to seek help, rethink their opinions and share their story with others. We all need to talk more about suicide. Debunking these common myths about suicide can hopefully allow individuals to look at suicide from a different angle—one of understanding and compassion for an individual who is internally struggling. Maybe they are struggling with a mental illness or maybe they are under extreme pressure and do not have healthy coping skills or a strong support system. As a society, we should not be afraid to speak up about suicide, to speak up about mental illness or to seek out treatment for an individual who is in need. Eliminating the stigma starts by understanding why suicide occurs and advocating for mental health awareness within our communities. There are suicide hotlines, mental health support groups, online community resources and many mental health professionals who can help any individual who is struggling with unhealthy thoughts and emotions. 

IF ANYONE READING THIS IS FEELING HELPLESS SUICIDAL PLEASE TALK TO A FRIEND SOMEBODY U TRUST  SUICIDE WILL END THE CHANCES OF THINGS GETING WORSE BUT WILL ALSO END THE CHANCES OF LIVE GETING BETTER I HAVE BEEN THERE IT FEELS LIKE THE END AND NOBODY LOVES YOU THINGS MAY NOT MAKE ANY SENCE FOR U NOW BUT THEY WILL. 

PLEASE CALL SOMEBODY ! YOU DONT HAVE TO SUFFER ALONE IN SILENCE I RATHER STAY UP ALL NIGHT LISTENNING TO YOU THAN ATTENDING TO YOUR FUNERAL. 

STICK TO YOUR TREATMENT STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS AND ALCOHOL IF SOMEBODY OFFERS YOU THAT NOT A REAL FRIEND Suicide help lines:

US1-800-273-8255

CANADA:1-855-242-3310

UNITED KINGDOM: ? if somebody else wants to add more number  i really apreciate it.

 
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  • Sending you so much love and I hope time has helped to heal you <3
    Reply
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