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Love-Hate Relationship with Meds
Category: Medication
Tags: meds

I'm really grateful for meds. I always want to come off meds. All the time. But I am also grateful for meds. They keep me grounded, centered in reality. Not paranoid. Off meds, I am nothing but paranoid and delusional.


Meds saved my life. I was practically living on the streets with no stability. My mind was a mess and I did not trust anyone. I lived in fear and felt I had to defend myself with everyone.

I suffered from delusions, major delusions, which affected every area of my life. I thought that someone had planted cameras on me. Everywhere I went, and in whatever room I was in, in my computer, in my phone, all over the place, in the walls, someone planted cameras and recording devices and I felt I had absolutely no privacy. I thought the whole world was in on it. Everyone in the whole world was against me. I was terrified. I thought the CIA was after me and that they were trying to burn down my apartment buidling. Any fight with anyone produced massive amounts of paranoia, thinking everyone was out for my life.

It was very scary. Life and death scary. Just my imagination running away from me and meds saved my life. Meds took about two months, two and a half months, maybe three months of taking meds and then finally, my delusions cleared like clouds clearning, the rain going away and the sun coming out. My delusions just go away on meds. And then I have to realize that nope, no one put cameras on me, nope, the whole world doesn't know who I am. There is always a lot of relief after I realize that the whole world doesn't want to kill me. It's always a major sigh of relief. Feels so much better to be able to wake up from that nightmare.

Yet, I want to go off meds. Why? Because I don't like the stigma associated with meds. Because I worry about the longterm consequences of taking medicine and the effects it will have on my body. Because I just want to be normal. NORMAL. Ugh. Normal. What a desire.

But yeah, medicine saved my life. I just have to live my life with meds in it. Make sure I drink less alcohol. Make sure I take care of my body and avoid Tylenol altogether because I worry about my liver. Drink teas that are healing for your liver. And meditate and do yoga. Just grow with grace. Let it all go and grow with grace.

So what I have to take meds? There are worse things in life. I could be in prison for so many of my behaviors but they let it all go because of my diagnosis. I owe it to others, like my mom and my boyfriend, to continue taking meds and continue to work on loving myself fully. FULLY. I want to just adore who I am and I'm almost there.

I will stay on meds. And learn to adjust my life and give thanks for the treatment options available. Thanking the universe for meds so I suppose I will continue to take them. Meds allow me to work, allow me to function, save my life. I will honor them as sacred and just take them. No biggie. Just have to take meds. At least this option exists. It didn't in the past. It was just awful before. So thankful for meds and being able to function.

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