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There was a time when I was on disability and had to see state doctors who accepted Medicaid and Medicare. So I would visit state funded mental health treatment facilities. And I was shuffled in and out. The therapist complemented my ability to dress myself with some taste. As if other "clients" didn't care or if I were dressing up for my appointment. I found it insulting to place so much emphasis on my clothes. And then my mom joined the session and the therapist and my mom talked over me. It was awful and I have not tried therapy since. And I don't recommend a controlling mother go with you.
State doctors.... their paperwork is not accurate. They inflate symptoms. The doctor filled out my disability paperwork without asking me questions, said I was crying when I was annoyed and angry. But crying looks better on paper. They just fill out meds, don't take personal interest in you. You are a number amongst thousands. And they do everything with red tape, have no problem ceasing care if you don't line up with the red tape... you are on your own with state doctors. They don't really care.
I've been with a doctor who has a private practice for a little over a year now. He asks about my home life. Everything is written down, all of his notes, by hand. He's always thinking of ways for me to improve, tells me everyone gets stressed out, advises me to stay away from my mom if her abuse and neglect make me suicidal, encourages me to work, applauds my efforts, and takes care when prescribing meds.
It's night and day difference in care received. I'm not just a number but a client in a private practice. Love my choices. My mom wanted me to stay on disability, refused to help me when I chose to work, and I am happier for it.
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I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Before I was diagnosed, I was going to school full time and also working part time at a casino. I loved going to school but found it to cause a feeling of pressure. I hated working at the casino and didn't like a lot of the people nor their projected image of me while I worked there. I became ill and quit both school and work abrubptly. I became paranoid and quit trusting everyone and only trusting others for delusional reasons. I was like this for years. Finally, a doctor was able to diagnose me after some of my delusions were vocalized regarding my mother. For years, I was able to hide it. I have since been diagnosed with schizoprhenia, bipolar with psychosis, and the one I agree with: schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type.
I have quit medicine and treatment many times, at least four times. And each time I relapsed into my delusional symptoms, each time worse than the previous time. More violent, more demanding while under psychosis. I have learned from experience that life is just way easier on medicine and in treatment. I have learned that I would rather take medicine daily than lose touch with reality and think the whole world is out to get me.
There was a time where I kept this all hidden. But I had to talk about it. I at first found Facebook groups. Then I told friends. My family never really accepted it. My mom blames me for things I did under psychosis and our relationship has a terrible rift in it as a result. And I do not trust my mom nor feel comfortable being vulnerable around her. I've lost friends who thought it was better to keep their distance. I do speak my mind and when it's delusional, I am aggressive. They think it's better to stay away. Keeping distance over something I have no voluntary control over. Just to medicate it away and no one wants to take medicine.
Best we all just stay away from each other. They don't offer real support and that's fine. I'm on my own. I lost my mind and went into my own world. My favorite people were there and they talked to me daily by the second. Music was a great communicator. Tv communicated with me. The radio communciated with me. Books had deeper meaning and it was also a form of communication with God. I would open books at random and think it was God responding to me. I enjoyed these activities. But it was all delusional. These are activities I no longer get to enjoy because of medicine. It's just not the same on medicine because it doesn't feel as real.
But medicine does allow me to work. And I work well. I'm a good worker. Medicine allows me to think clearly. Medicine has its benefits. I have to see the positive side of medicine. I can avoid abuse on meds. Off meds, people will take advantage of you. And I think others are helping me when I am delusional and these pepole are actually just taking stuff from me or hurting me. Because I am delusional, I interpret the abuse as help. So medicine helps me avoid that altogether. Medicine has a positive side. I will continue to take medicine.
I will meditate and talk to God still. I just like that talking to God is my only focus off meds. But on meds, I have other interests. So I guess medicine is good for me, maybe good for my soul as I do not attack others. I am not paranoid and delusional on meds. I will of course continue to take medicine. Medicine saved my life. I also have to acknowledge that. I am suicidal off meds, too. Another aspect to consider. Better just stay on them and be grateful to have my mind back and all the delusions gone. Giving thanks to the scientific community for their work and research.
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