Tagged with "am"
Diamonds in the Rough
Category: Friends
Tags: Relationships family friends

IP use to be a fairly popular and social guy throughout my life until I shared my diagnosis with my family and friends in 2009.  Having a mental illness in my culture is worse than being sinful it doesn't get much worse. When my family and relatives found out about my illness they abandoned me. My opinions and feeling became invalid because I was sick, possessed or incompetent. If I ever needed help in anyway way they would suggest I use a social service instead of having to deal with the issue with me.  All my friends but 2 disappeared and stopped contacting me, and hanging out with me. The isolation I felt made me very lonely, depressed, broken hearted and even suicidal. Now when I meet people I try not get to emotionally invested because true friendship is very rare.  I'm not sure if I can ever be close to anyone again in anyway. I was raised to believe that friends and family were in your life to support you in your darkness moments but that's wasn't the case for me.  Even now I have learned to keep ppl at a distance because if they knew I was mental ill they would abandon me. It is heartbreaking but the experience has made me independent, stong and more resilient than I ever dreamed.  It taught me that only god can love you unconditionally and perhaps very few other ppl, if you're very luck.

What Mental Illness Looks Like in My Family
Category: Family
Tags: Family

Mental illness runs in my family on my mom's side and my dad's side. On my mom's side, members get diagnosed with psychosis, schizoprhrenia, or schizoaffective disoder, plus addiction; and on my dad's side, members have anxiety, depression (crave chocolate), and also addiction. I have addiciton on both sides. So I don't trust taking xanax or anything addictive because I have chronic mental illness, which means it is not going away. And these symptoms need a long-term solution, not a short quick fix like xanax. I need therapy and probably some psychiatric medication, just not addictive ones. 

My grandma might have had bipolar disorder with psychosis. She once told me that her nurse prescribed antidepressants to her while in the hospital (she went to the hospital after she would purposely hurt herself in order to get pain meds from the doctor). My grandma fought back about the antidepressants, telling the nurse that they upset her thinking and she didn't want them. The nurse did not listen and prescribed antidepressents anyway (perhaps the Dr. prescribed the meds and the Nurse just followed orders). Well, after the nurse gave my grandma antidepressants, my grandma started to experience odd thinking, delusional thinking. 

I will expand. She specifically thought that a black baseball player for the Tigers was our grandpa. And she thought the tv was talking to her. And she had paranoid delusions. All because she was given the wrong medications. And she might never have been properly diagnosed because her mind was always in an altered state or chasing an altered escape. 

Drugs were huge in my family growing up. I just thought it was normal for my grandma to take speed and I thought it was okay for my mom to beat me daily when she was in a rage. It felt normal. And then when I got older, I didn't want to bring children into this world because of my family. That is just the plain truth. I was not sure if I even wanted to have kids, but the idea of my mom and dad and uncle and sisters and cousins all trying to love this kids, when they could not love me, or worse, they will write off my kids. So I never had them. But I might. 

My grandma had severe mental illness and died from a xanax overdose while out in the hallway at a retirement facility where she lived. That was her life. There is so much drama in my family. So many people do not like the others. No one likes me. And you know what, I don't care. I'm still going to say that mental illness is genetic. But it's also environment. And I would be building my child up. My sister will not explain Jesus or God to my neice. So I did. My other sister shares what she knows but she doesn't know much.. And my other sister, she is the youngest and doing well. But she was atheist while living with my mom. 

I have to overcome all this drama and realize that my family does not define me. My soul, my personality, my dreams, my vision, that is what defines me. I was told by a psychic healer to no longer call "my mom" as my mom but to instead say "the mom" because my mom was not  a real mother growing up. She was in two relationships with two men, probably on drugs, up some days and so kind, down other days and would beat the shit out of me. And as an adult, I have a disability. I was homeless a little over a year ago. And my mom allowed that and even praises herself for her actions. 

I just want to hold a mirror up to her and be like, this is you. That is what I am doing with Brite Haven. I'm tearing down their balconies and I am going to be on the same level and I'm going to talk about the neglect, abuse, drug use, mental illlness, addicitons, cheating on people, all of that exists in my family. 

They look at me as a lost cause. I look at them as being born among my enemies. Had I self-medicated my mental illness away, like my entire family does, than maybe I would never have ended up in mental health treatment. Me choosing meds is me staying away from hardcore drugs. I always refused to use hardcore drugs when I was younger and as an adult, it does disgust me. Because I see a spirit. I see a soul. I see someone who is killing the ability to speak to their soul because they are high. This life will be over before I know it. 

I have to stop looking back. I have to wear rose-colored glasses and see spirit all around me.  I have reincarnated several times and I would refer to past life moms as the mom. So I will simply adopt that practice with her. She is the mom. The mom of my life now=====we are not even friends. We love each other. But we come from love and will return to love and we are supposed to be helping others have a happy journy. I need to work on healing. That is the point of writing and returning to my writings. To heal. 

Is It Okay For Your Children to Take Psychiatric Mediications? Some Thoughts on the Topic! Tags: childhood disorders psychiatric medication grey matter brain loss coping mechanisms talk therapy
I am annoyed with people and their response to mental illness. My family, I am annoyed with their response as well. Everyone wants to keep mental health issues as hush-hush and think that talking about it openly produces trauma. The only trauma that truly exists is the inability to express your frustrations with whatever you are struggling with, whether it be mental illness, diabetes, or heart disease. There needs to be a forum for mental health issues to be discussed and that is the point of Brite Haven. You can create a profile using a pseudonym and feel free to express yourself fully. We need a safe place to talk about these issues and we need to bring everything to light. Mental illness exists and I've known way too many people who died from a mental health disorder. I can think of five people who were diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder that have died from suicide. That is just way too many. You get to know someone, you suffer the same things, and then that person just disappears from your life, because of an early death.
People die from mental health issues just as they die from heart disease or cancer without treatment. And we need preventative care. We need to address mental health symptoms before they become full-blown episodes. There have been times when I could not afford my medication and I therefore did not take them. I ended up in the hospital and recovery took about 6 months to get back to a place of stability. And my mom wanted to put me in a home. She wanted me on disability. She did not want me out in the public for fear of what I might say about our family.
So I created a platform, a place to discuss pain, trauma, mental health diagnoses, support or lack of support, etc. on Brite Haven. This is a safe place to vent, to express yourself. People do not want to hear about mental health issues. Kids are prescribed medications and we do not know the long term effects of these medications. These medications destroy grey matter in your brain. Your brain loses weight from these meds, it shrinks. And I can't imagine how someone would think it's okay to give to kids so readily. Talk therapy should be the first consideration, not meds. These kids have not defined themselves and if they are symptomatic, and severe, I suggest meds. But not as a first response. We should exhaust all other avenues to recovery before we give out antipsychotic or ADD meds to children. We should work with children at their levels. I think we need to homeschool children more too. But with both parents working, that is nearly impossible.
We are so quick to medicate. So quick to push the person aside and shove pills down their throats before these children are given a chance to heal. Children are empathic and take on the worries of their parents energetically. Perhaps the parents need counseling and need to learn how to respond to their children without these damaging medications. I started taking these medications at 27 and no one tried to talk sense to me. They simply medicated me to shut me up. But I did not shut up.
And I refuse to shut up. For the rest of my life, I will support mental health treatment because it saved my life. But I am against medicating children. I think that is laziness on the parents' part. I'm not saying that at times it is necessary. But from experience, parents get tired of the outbursts from children and look for an easy solution, such as medication without considering the long term effects of these medications. Once you try to quit the meds, you relapse. Your brain is also sicker than it was in the first place because these medications destroy grey matter in the brain. But you know what else causes the loss of grey matter? That would be not treating episodes of mania. If you suffer from mania, and it goes untreated, that can destroy grey matter in your brain. So it's really worth considering if meds are right for you and that answer should be self-directed and self-given by the person who is experiencing stress. If you want to start mental health treatment, know that it helps you to be stable, clears your mind from the clutter of negativity that often accompanies mental distress. Treatment saved my life.
It's a lot to consider. Should children be given medications? So young and they will be stuck on these meds the rest of their lives. These medications can make the brain sicker and this can produce symptoms such as anger, outbursts, delusions, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and homicidal tendencies. That is the side effects of these drugs, once you stop taking them or if you build up a tolerance, these symptoms can appear. And these symptoms are easier for an adult to experience than a child. I think a child should be educated on things and given a voice in treatment. They should know what these meds do, the children, before they suffer long-term consequences. We should be more focused on talk therapy than prescribing medications to children. Teach them coping techniques and educate them.
I fully support mental health treatment. But I know the dangers of it too. And I think we need to make people aware of these facts. This way, people can choose with more education and experience and what they really want out of treatment. Children deserve to have a voice, too.
Dreams and Revelations
Category: Dreams

I had a dream last night. About the jerk in Cali and a brother of someone in high school, who is ficticious, but symbolic. I was in Cali and homeless and the guy in Cali was in a bar and I was trying to make it there when he was there. So that we could talk. I was doing all the work. And I knew that he loved me and that I loved him. But the only effort he put into this "relationship" was when we were both "present." Probably has something to do with he and I drinking.

And in the meantime, I was homeless and struggling and lost in a huge Hudsons' store with escalators going up and up and up but never down and out of the store. And I met someone. It was M. Spark's brother. And I hung out with him. And he showed me empathy. He showed me love. He showed me true friendship. 

But I still assumed I needed to be faithful to the jerk in Cali. But as I was in this huge store, and M. Spark's brother left to go back home to Michigan, I was so lost, so lost trying to find a way out. And it was near Christmas. And I began seeing all these beautiful items for men. And the only one I wanted to buy a gift for was M. Spark's brother. 

And I realized that I could have all my dreams come true through him. I could have all the love I need, without the abuse and neglect, through him. And I realized that I wanted to spend my life with him. And as I realized this, I was not lost anymore. I quickly knew my way out of the store, quickly found a plane ride home, quickly found him and we spent our holiday together and our lives together. And I knew everything would be perfect. 

The idea that I am obligated to that jerk in Cali is a trap. A mean one at that. I am not obligated to him. I found all the love I need in Jason. I love how he treats me. I hope we spend our lives together and there are no mind games. There are no mind games. I'll say that again, because it deserves repeating. 

There are NO mind games. Just honest love. I'm gonna marry Jason.  And it's better than any love I have ever found. It's honest love. It's real love. It's solid, good, heart-felt love. My soul told me this is the correct path. It confirmed it. 

Surviving the Throes of an Unusual yet Extreme Addiction
Category: Addiction
Tags: Social Media Addiction Video Game Addiction

As I've stated before, I'm still working on recovery from an unusual yet extreme addiction to chat sites.  I've gone to physical, emotional, and financial ruin as well as the destruction of friendships, familial and other relationships.  I've passed up and destroyed opportunities because I was sitting at home, hiding in my own apartment away from the world, people, and everything on the other side of my door.  Who knew that something as simple as a chat site addiction could lead to so much destruction, four years later?

This started in July 2016, when a local friend introduced me to a chat site "to have people to talk to."  Already addicted to an actual social media site at the time (Facebook), it didn't occur to me that this was not only going to be easy to become addicted to, but that it would become so much bigger and worse.  In September of the same year, a nasty breakup left me looking for people to express my frustrations to.  Soon, by Halloween I was gradually hooked.  Sitting at the computer in late 2016 led to doctors checking me for blood clots cause my legs had swollen.  That was my Christmas "gift" to myself, I guess, in all sarcasm.  Also, in November and December I spent my rent money on the site.  I actually had to get a payee that following January (2017).  Then I started sneaking and asked my parents for money.  Out of the two accounts I had, my parents probably paid 1,000 per account, per parent.  That was 4,000 dollars in addition to my own money.  They didn't know cause I lied about what I needed it for.  So I came clean about this time last year (2019). Told them both.  They were very upset.

So besides that, I had started missing doctors appointments to remain on the site instead.  Not like it was going anywhere but I would rather escape in that world than be in the real one. Got kicked from several doctors for it.  The depression, ironically, drove me to the chat site harder.  I believe it was 2017 when I got bursitis from my elbow rubbing the chair too much.  At that point and afterwards, I was on almost 24hrs a day.  After a nasty breakup, I started the second account in October 2017 and left the old account deactivated- well, for a while.  My legs continued to swell. I continued to get checked for blood clots.

In 2018, I started spending food money but kept my cat fed. So I was starving, with HUGE legs, for months. Then I quit all accounts on the chat site in August 2018 to pursue college- this helped me get healthier once again. I was doing extremely well in a class with an excellent A+ grade streak until I faced a final real life breakup with someone who I had been hoping would take me back.  I ended up going back to it on November 10th, 2018; as a result, my good grades completely fell.  I ended up with a shoulder condition because I either slept in my chair too much OR slept at the desk too much. The excruciating pain caused me to miss finals.  I had to make up an incomplete in the class because of it.  When I finally got back to school, I was toggling between a full 9 hrs of school Monday through Friday, grocery shopping and other tasks on the weekend, AND the chat site.  I puked my guts out for over two months shortly after, probably due to the stress of doing both.  I ended up withdrawing from college April 5th, 2019.

Back to the site I went.  I noticed I always drove back to it harder than the time before.  So not only was I online for 19hrs and asleep at the desk for 5hrs every day, not only was I asking my parents for money, not only was I starving with my legs growing even larger... Not only did I start missing drs appointments again... But now my feet wouldn't fit into shoes at this time because of how red and swollen they'd get. My body hit starvation mode, so I was gaining weight.  I could walk, but just barely AND with so much pain. I started being asked for money from people, and I would start giving them money...

When I joined the chat site I weighed in at 260lbs, but my body has reacted to and hated all it's been through; I tipped the scales last year at 302.  It was at that point when I stopped caring about what happened to me to the extreme.  It didn’t help that people would ask for money then stop talking to me. My case manager thought I was still “high-functioning” like I was, so she didn't check on me enough to notice sores started to grow/fester. I stopped eating mostly, but the weight on my feet and legs compensated. So no weight loss on the scale- I actually gained a bunch of swollen or water weight.  

When I went in for surgery in October 2019, it could have killed me.  I was too embarrassed to tell them I  had an infection where they were operating.  I also didn't care enough about myself to clean the incision sites like I should have.  I also didn't know what to use, but they didn't tell me properly on the paperwork or explain it correctly... I later found out, but still was a dangerous move on my part.  This year,  all of the personal neglect has produced and maintained the issues.  I ended up with plantar fasciitis, more skin sores, and worse edema from my legs in addition to what I already had going on.

One of the hardest things about this addiction that people don't hear me say is that on top of this, I ALSO had close brushes with ending it all six times in the past year.  I hated the fact that this was my nightmare and that no one could understand.  (Those who did NOT know the full extent were convinced I could just “take a break” as if I wasn’t addicted OR would joke, saying, “ya, I am ‘addicted’ too, I spend ten dollars a month here hahaha.”  Those who DID know the full extent were quick to get out of my life.)  I hated the fact that most of the connections I made on the site soon faded once I left it to save my life.  That anguish is often a trigger I end up going back over.  It felt like the darkness of addiction would drag me kicking, screaming, clawing back to it, and if I wasn’t in the IN crowd, that I’d be alone fighting to face all the tragedies life often throws at me.  I didn’t want to face that truth, so after a three week absence and vow to do better,I rejoined the site on Monday, September 14th of this year.

Being scared of being alone sucks, especially without local people to fall back onto.  COVID-19 impacted not my current situation as much as the possibility of making future friendships, which to me hurt just as much.  However, in those three weeks I learned something.  I deleted it again tonight, September 22nd, as a result of this truth:  I got a taste of living life enough to know I. LOVE. LIVING.  I live to live, I fight to live, I wake to live.  I fight enough to be awake and stay alive, because of my intermittent sleeping disorders.  Why would I completely end that fight for this?  Why would I silence my own face in the best or worst of adversities when I have come so far from where I began?  

I realized I need a whole new level of support to battle this, but in those three weeks I saw hope and possibility.  I saw what it meant to TRULY live.  My leg swelling had gone so far down.  My energy had increased to more than I had possessed in a very long time.  I noticed what affected or tanked my energy or moods and maximized the potential benefits accordingly, avoiding the dangers.  I had just redefined some parts of my eating disorders and my insecurity of not knowing how to cook by simply arranging store-bought salads with other healthy ingredients I added myself.  I had fixed my digestive tract issues.  I even lost five pounds without even focusing on weight at ALL.  


Now I am fresh off the site for a few hours this time, bruised but not broken. I deleted and uninstalled the site from my computer back then, so here I am; I’m trying to face myself and face life, too.  Here I am; I’m trying to make a life I will enjoy living.  Here I am, life.  Bring it!

Feel embarrassed Tags: Ashamed
I went to the mountains this weekend to take a break and get some fresh air.
My daughters are counselors at this camp and
Have attended this camp since they were small
Last year I came and had a great time getting
To know the camp directors and they were very nice p
People. So recently I shared with one of my daughters
the bipolar crisis I was in. It is new for me to talk about
My bipolar, especially with family. She shared
My situation with them( the camp administrators) which is fine for her so speak to some
But since I got here, I have totally gotten the cold
Shoulder, completely ignored, they cannot even look at me
Things I CAN do Tags: I am useful
I am not in control of so many things, situations and behavior of others. Today I am working on my own behavior, things I can do for myself and for others
Mental illness is not made up Tags: I am not the only one
Thinking about my family, my parents, siblings and my children. I love them so much. I am thankful for them all. I do however see signs to different degrees of mental illness( severe anxiety, depression, mood swings, probably bipolar) in some, not all of my family. I was taught and believed that if you had faith, trusted God, tried harder,that you didn’t need medicine. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we don’t need God, I do but if your brain , like mine is sick, you need medication and there have been people, from the beginning or time who had mental illness. They were most likely homeless, addicts of one thing or another, rejected by family, friends and society( asylums)
Ok, today, it’s true, most likely that some, who do not have true mental illness are being medicated or over medicated in today’s society to avoid dealing with pain or difficulties but I am not referring to these.
I am talking about real mental illness. It is real. Unfortunately, it does exist. I wish it didn’t, but it does
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