Brite Haven

Mental illness runs in my family on my mom's side and my dad's side. On my mom's side, members get diagnosed with psychosis, schizoprhrenia, or schizoaffective disoder, plus addiction; and on my dad's side, members have anxiety, depression (crave chocolate), and also addiction. I have addiciton on both sides. So I don't trust taking xanax or anything addictive because I have chronic mental illness, which means it is not going away. And these symptoms need a long-term solution, not a short quick fix like xanax. I need therapy and probably some psychiatric medication, just not addictive ones. 

My grandma might have had bipolar disorder with psychosis. She once told me that her nurse prescribed antidepressants to her while in the hospital (she went to the hospital after she would purposely hurt herself in order to get pain meds from the doctor). My grandma fought back about the antidepressants, telling the nurse that they upset her thinking and she didn't want them. The nurse did not listen and prescribed antidepressents anyway (perhaps the Dr. prescribed the meds and the Nurse just followed orders). Well, after the nurse gave my grandma antidepressants, my grandma started to experience odd thinking, delusional thinking. 

I will expand. She specifically thought that a black baseball player for the Tigers was our grandpa. And she thought the tv was talking to her. And she had paranoid delusions. All because she was given the wrong medications. And she might never have been properly diagnosed because her mind was always in an altered state or chasing an altered escape. 

Drugs were huge in my family growing up. I just thought it was normal for my grandma to take speed and I thought it was okay for my mom to beat me daily when she was in a rage. It felt normal. And then when I got older, I didn't want to bring children into this world because of my family. That is just the plain truth. I was not sure if I even wanted to have kids, but the idea of my mom and dad and uncle and sisters and cousins all trying to love this kids, when they could not love me, or worse, they will write off my kids. So I never had them. But I might. 

My grandma had severe mental illness and died from a xanax overdose while out in the hallway at a retirement facility where she lived. That was her life. There is so much drama in my family. So many people do not like the others. No one likes me. And you know what, I don't care. I'm still going to say that mental illness is genetic. But it's also environment. And I would be building my child up. My sister will not explain Jesus or God to my neice. So I did. My other sister shares what she knows but she doesn't know much.. And my other sister, she is the youngest and doing well. But she was atheist while living with my mom. 

I have to overcome all this drama and realize that my family does not define me. My soul, my personality, my dreams, my vision, that is what defines me. I was told by a psychic healer to no longer call "my mom" as my mom but to instead say "the mom" because my mom was not  a real mother growing up. She was in two relationships with two men, probably on drugs, up some days and so kind, down other days and would beat the shit out of me. And as an adult, I have a disability. I was homeless a little over a year ago. And my mom allowed that and even praises herself for her actions. 

I just want to hold a mirror up to her and be like, this is you. That is what I am doing with Brite Haven. I'm tearing down their balconies and I am going to be on the same level and I'm going to talk about the neglect, abuse, drug use, mental illlness, addicitons, cheating on people, all of that exists in my family. 

They look at me as a lost cause. I look at them as being born among my enemies. Had I self-medicated my mental illness away, like my entire family does, than maybe I would never have ended up in mental health treatment. Me choosing meds is me staying away from hardcore drugs. I always refused to use hardcore drugs when I was younger and as an adult, it does disgust me. Because I see a spirit. I see a soul. I see someone who is killing the ability to speak to their soul because they are high. This life will be over before I know it. 

I have to stop looking back. I have to wear rose-colored glasses and see spirit all around me.  I have reincarnated several times and I would refer to past life moms as the mom. So I will simply adopt that practice with her. She is the mom. The mom of my life now=====we are not even friends. We love each other. But we come from love and will return to love and we are supposed to be helping others have a happy journy. I need to work on healing. That is the point of writing and returning to my writings. To heal.