Brite Haven

Sometimes, I get in my head too much.  Other times, I'm in my head a lot but I find some interesting bits of wisdom to take with me on the way out and analyze for solutions... maybe this day is one of them?

One of the prominent questions I often ask myself is regarding many relationships, friendships, and even familyships: when is it going to end?  I think that's part of my abandonment issue playing a part into this.  When some of these bonds often end, I feel a drowning-like feeling that reinforces that question and everything that comes with it... I am not sure how to stay in the moment often with that question and its feelings looming in the background.  It also makes it harder and more fearful to let go of toxic relationships.  When I do so, I feel it creates a loss (which tends to hurt a bit more and cause self-critical banter in my head).  I'm not sure how to solve this, but with time I've been able to identify this and other issues easier.

My current boyfriend wants me to be clingy, to be a bit jealous but not overly possessive, to not be afraid to invest emotionally and mentally in the relationship.  However, I don't think he knows what he's asking when he says these things then tops it off with 'just be yourself' because the balance is almost non-existent at the moment.  I feel I can be one or the other at the moment, working toward a more defined line of 'middle'.  I don't want to lose the relationship in any of these or other things, because he is extremely loving, more supportive, and healthier than many of my previous relationships.  Bottom line: it's hard to be in a relationship (healthy or not) and experience the symptoms and aftermath of BPD.  

I had so many problems with past relationships that I could point out where I, indeed, was the issue:
1. Why do I smother him or her?  Why am I distant toward him or her?

2. I need to remain myself and not blend my identity into him or her.  Also, the more important question: who am I again?

3. I need to make time to work on myself, but I also don't need to neglect him or her.

4. Why am I offended by this comment that he or she made?  Why am I not offended by what he or she said?

5. Why do I feel jealousy?  Also, who wouldn't feel jealous at his or her behavior?

And the list goes on and on.  However, although I always wonder where that middle line is, I'm getting closer.  These and other questions start making me 'should' myself, such as 'I should know these things by now; I'm 33.'  But one of the keys I have in my hand is patience, and although it's rusty from not being used enough this key is starting to fit and turn the lock more and more.  For that, I am grateful.

I often wonder if my charming narcissist father and my passive-aggressive soft-spoken mother have anything to do with the symptoms I experience when it comes to BPD; I'm pretty sure I've heard someone say that the environmental factor of a household with at least one narcissistic parent tends to contribute to the likelihood of their child or children having BPD. 

Sometimes I hate feeling like I have a world to save at all.  On the days I feel pretty dramatic yet high, I feel like a superwoman; soon after, the maladaptive daydreaming begins.  I dream about saving everyone and the world- all except myself.  In all reality, though, the world I must save is mine.  My world is the only one I can save, and I have to make an active decision everyday not to attempt to destroy it or let it continue to be wrecked by my own hands.  Either way, it's up to me.