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Ok so, things are coming up today. I have never been able to put my finger on just what bothers me about my relationship with my husband. I know he shuts down when he is overwhelmed with bills and paperwork and this does affect our whole family when we lose our medical insurance and such. I recognized something today that really hurts me and has gone on our whole relationship. He is very critical. He talks about “Catholic Guilt” which can be a thing but for me, it is in the Catholic Church that I have found mercy over and over in my life. I have learned well I am still learning to be merciful with myself but I am merciful with others in my life, including my husband. I think it’s possible to be hurt by someone and still want what’s best for them. I do want what’s best for him but I still need to take care of myself. He make a person or tries to make them feel bad or guilty for the most simple things. Teases people if they are angry or struggling or hurt, makes fun of all races and nothing is off limits for the sake of a joke. Many of our kids, especially boys look for attention from their father but speaking ill of others or the jokes. I love jokes. I am always trying to make people laugh. I’m weird, but in a good way. I am not better than him. I am an addict( recovering) and have many faults. I have never been able to convince him to work on anything. I cannot share with him my struggles. He thinks of me as weak, I believe for help that I’ve gotten. That’s for the weak minded. I’m ok. I can continue to work on myself but today I needed to acknowledge this in my life. I may not be able to change it but recognizing it is good
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This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. It brought me to my knees with love and respect. ❤️😢🙏🏻
This is Charlie Chaplin at age 26, photographed 100 years ago. Below is a poem he read on his 70th birthday, written by Kim McMillen. (Thanks to Roni Turner and others who corrected my citation via Messenger.)
As I began to love myself
I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living
against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is Authenticity.
As I began to love myself
I understood how much it can offend somebody
if I try to force my desires on this person,
even though I knew the time was not right
and the person was not ready for it,
and even though this person was me.
Today I call this Respect.
As I began to love myself
I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything
that surrounded me
was inviting me to grow.
Today I call this Maturity.
As I began to love myself
I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time,
and everything happens at the exactly right moment.
So I could be calm.
Today I call this Self-Confidence.
As I began to love myself
I quit stealing my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects
for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness,
things I love to do and that make my heart cheer,
and I do them in my own way
and in my own rhythm.
Today I call this Simplicity.
As I began to love myself
I freed myself of anything
that is no good for my health –
food, people, things, situations,
and everything that drew me down
and away from myself.
At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.
Today I know it is Love of Oneself.
As I began to love myself
I quit trying to always be right,
and ever since
I was wrong less of the time.
Today I discovered that is Modesty.
As I began to love myself
I refused to go on living in the past
and worrying about the future.
Now, I only live for the moment,
where everything is happening.
Today I live each day,
day by day,
and I call it Fulfillment.
As I began to love myself
I recognized
that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick.
But as I connected it to my heart,
my mind became a valuable ally.
Today I call this connection Wisdom of the Heart.
We no longer need to fear arguments,
confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others.
Even stars collide,
and out of their crashing, new worlds are born.
Today I know: This is Life!
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I have been mad/hurt that I am the only one in my family seeking help for mental health. This really bothers me especially lately
I remembered something tonite. Something I have known for awhile but forgot
I can only do me. I cannot change anyone. I can only seek to better myself and take care of myself and get help for myself and hope that I can be an example for others that it is ok to take care of yourself/ love yourself so you then have what you need to love and take care of others
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I went to the mountains this weekend to take a break and get some fresh air.
My daughters are counselors at this camp and
Have attended this camp since they were small
Last year I came and had a great time getting
To know the camp directors and they were very nice p
People. So recently I shared with one of my daughters
the bipolar crisis I was in. It is new for me to talk about
My bipolar, especially with family. She shared
My situation with them( the camp administrators) which is fine for her so speak to some
But since I got here, I have totally gotten the cold
Shoulder, completely ignored, they cannot even look at me
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My husband definitely has issues, ones he has never admitted he has needed help for. Some stemming from his history that he refuses to believe he needs to reconcile with and others I suspect possible adhd but anyway he has never grown up in many ways. He has a good heart deep down but the times I get to see that are far and few.... There are things that especially stress him out and paperwork is one. We got a letter 3 months ago stating that it was time for our yearly evaluation to keep our medical insurance benefits and I knew trouble was ahead.I began informing him, gently that it was time and I needed him to do his part but as time started moving along, he would lash out, screaming, saying hurtful things. This is always his response. So I hated him for awhile but of course that didn’t work so tried encoraging etc.... finally after him saying ok ok ok with no results he agreed to do it this weekend. Also, our medical insurance is already lapsed since Aug 1stToday is the day!!!! Yeah right! Now his printer won’t print. He refuses to think about using anyone else’s computer which is totally doable. So he says hurtful things to try to change the subject. He acts like I am trying to hurt him or make him miserable be needing him to do his part in keeping our medical coverage
He doesn’t get help for himself but resents me getting help.
He needs knee surgery, foot surgery, has chronic other problems, smoked like a chimney, coughs all the time and that’s not even touching mental issues
My doctor, over the phone, without insurance, changed my dosage and because I have a reserve of medicine, I am able to accommodate that for now without new prescription but I need to see my doctor
Tonite, 8 hours later, it is still not done
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I am not in control of so many things, situations and behavior of others. Today I am working on my own behavior, things I can do for myself and for others
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Thinking about my family, my parents, siblings and my children. I love them so much. I am thankful for them all. I do however see signs to different degrees of mental illness( severe anxiety, depression, mood swings, probably bipolar) in some, not all of my family. I was taught and believed that if you had faith, trusted God, tried harder,that you didn’t need medicine. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we don’t need God, I do but if your brain , like mine is sick, you need medication and there have been people, from the beginning or time who had mental illness. They were most likely homeless, addicts of one thing or another, rejected by family, friends and society( asylums)
Ok, today, it’s true, most likely that some, who do not have true mental illness are being medicated or over medicated in today’s society to avoid dealing with pain or difficulties but I am not referring to these.
I am talking about real mental illness. It is real. Unfortunately, it does exist. I wish it didn’t, but it does
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I am feeling very overwhelmed today. I hope you don’t mind since there is no where else I can talk about this
I feel sad and disheartened. I hope you don’t mind since no one else understands.
I have this familiar feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin or hurt myself but I am not going to. I hope you don’t mind since I cannot mention this in any other place.
I want to scream, cry, expend this horrible energy inside yet I feel paralyzed at this moment. I hope you don’t mind that I think enough of you to trust you with what is inside.
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Being hard on myself, blaming myself, thinking I am supposed to be different, believing I should be able to fix things, situations, and even people in my life has been my life forever. I have really come a long way in this area, however I do still have those days where I have to remember I can’t change anyone. It’s not my job. I can encourage them, give my opinion, pray for them but cannot fix them. I can however continue to work on myself and deal with the feelings, the hurt, the helplessness that I sometimes feel when I see the ones I love and care about choose to go down a destructive path, refuse to take care of themselves and suffer or cause others to suffer for it.
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I want to share something that I am not particularly fond of that I did. I went on a 10 day trip in May to Israel. I was worried about taking my medication, being that I need to take it with food and right before I go to bed since it makes me drowsy. I decided that I would not take it during my trip. When I returned, for some dumb reason, I did not begin my medicine(thought) “Maybe I don’t need it after all” Still to this day I do not know why I made this choice especially since I have only been on this medicine for about a year or so and for once in my life, I was somewhat stable, able to be a good friend, able to make plans, able to encourage others and be present. I had never had this before. I have never kept friends. I make a friend, we hang out, I fall off the face of the earth and they have no clue what’s going on because I didn’t even know so when I finally climb out of the pit, things are not the same. Right now I am trying to climb out of this pit. Started taking my meds but lost my insurance. Need to get it back before I run out of medicine.
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Many times in my life, I have felt hopeless, in so much pain and there have been moments where I could not see one good thing in my life. I would look at my life and be defeated, no hope.
Someone, a friend said, “ You truly do not see anything good in your life? ! “ “Have you eaten today?” “Yes, I said” he says, “ do your hands work?” I said “yes” he said, “Are your children reasonably healthy? I mean no ones in the hospital right now are they? “No, I said.
This truly helped me. True, I wasn’t to thrilled when he started saying this to me but when I am having a hard day, sometimes I have to really work at being grateful. I am thankful I can use the toilet because you know, some people cannot.
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