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As I've stated before, I'm still working on recovery from an unusual yet extreme addiction to chat sites. I've gone to physical, emotional, and financial ruin as well as the destruction of friendships, familial and other relationships. I've passed up and destroyed opportunities because I was sitting at home, hiding in my own apartment away from the world, people, and everything on the other side of my door. Who knew that something as simple as a chat site addiction could lead to so much destruction, four years later?
This started in July 2016, when a local friend introduced me to a chat site "to have people to talk to." Already addicted to an actual social media site at the time (Facebook), it didn't occur to me that this was not only going to be easy to become addicted to, but that it would become so much bigger and worse. In September of the same year, a nasty breakup left me looking for people to express my frustrations to. Soon, by Halloween I was gradually hooked. Sitting at the computer in late 2016 led to doctors checking me for blood clots cause my legs had swollen. That was my Christmas "gift" to myself, I guess, in all sarcasm. Also, in November and December I spent my rent money on the site. I actually had to get a payee that following January (2017). Then I started sneaking and asked my parents for money. Out of the two accounts I had, my parents probably paid 1,000 per account, per parent. That was 4,000 dollars in addition to my own money. They didn't know cause I lied about what I needed it for. So I came clean about this time last year (2019). Told them both. They were very upset.
So besides that, I had started missing doctors appointments to remain on the site instead. Not like it was going anywhere but I would rather escape in that world than be in the real one. Got kicked from several doctors for it. The depression, ironically, drove me to the chat site harder. I believe it was 2017 when I got bursitis from my elbow rubbing the chair too much. At that point and afterwards, I was on almost 24hrs a day. After a nasty breakup, I started the second account in October 2017 and left the old account deactivated- well, for a while. My legs continued to swell. I continued to get checked for blood clots.
In 2018, I started spending food money but kept my cat fed. So I was starving, with HUGE legs, for months. Then I quit all accounts on the chat site in August 2018 to pursue college- this helped me get healthier once again. I was doing extremely well in a class with an excellent A+ grade streak until I faced a final real life breakup with someone who I had been hoping would take me back. I ended up going back to it on November 10th, 2018; as a result, my good grades completely fell. I ended up with a shoulder condition because I either slept in my chair too much OR slept at the desk too much. The excruciating pain caused me to miss finals. I had to make up an incomplete in the class because of it. When I finally got back to school, I was toggling between a full 9 hrs of school Monday through Friday, grocery shopping and other tasks on the weekend, AND the chat site. I puked my guts out for over two months shortly after, probably due to the stress of doing both. I ended up withdrawing from college April 5th, 2019.
Back to the site I went. I noticed I always drove back to it harder than the time before. So not only was I online for 19hrs and asleep at the desk for 5hrs every day, not only was I asking my parents for money, not only was I starving with my legs growing even larger... Not only did I start missing drs appointments again... But now my feet wouldn't fit into shoes at this time because of how red and swollen they'd get. My body hit starvation mode, so I was gaining weight. I could walk, but just barely AND with so much pain. I started being asked for money from people, and I would start giving them money...
When I joined the chat site I weighed in at 260lbs, but my body has reacted to and hated all it's been through; I tipped the scales last year at 302. It was at that point when I stopped caring about what happened to me to the extreme. It didn’t help that people would ask for money then stop talking to me. My case manager thought I was still “high-functioning” like I was, so she didn't check on me enough to notice sores started to grow/fester. I stopped eating mostly, but the weight on my feet and legs compensated. So no weight loss on the scale- I actually gained a bunch of swollen or water weight.
When I went in for surgery in October 2019, it could have killed me. I was too embarrassed to tell them I had an infection where they were operating. I also didn't care enough about myself to clean the incision sites like I should have. I also didn't know what to use, but they didn't tell me properly on the paperwork or explain it correctly... I later found out, but still was a dangerous move on my part. This year, all of the personal neglect has produced and maintained the issues. I ended up with plantar fasciitis, more skin sores, and worse edema from my legs in addition to what I already had going on.
One of the hardest things about this addiction that people don't hear me say is that on top of this, I ALSO had close brushes with ending it all six times in the past year. I hated the fact that this was my nightmare and that no one could understand. (Those who did NOT know the full extent were convinced I could just “take a break” as if I wasn’t addicted OR would joke, saying, “ya, I am ‘addicted’ too, I spend ten dollars a month here hahaha.” Those who DID know the full extent were quick to get out of my life.) I hated the fact that most of the connections I made on the site soon faded once I left it to save my life. That anguish is often a trigger I end up going back over. It felt like the darkness of addiction would drag me kicking, screaming, clawing back to it, and if I wasn’t in the IN crowd, that I’d be alone fighting to face all the tragedies life often throws at me. I didn’t want to face that truth, so after a three week absence and vow to do better,I rejoined the site on Monday, September 14th of this year.
Being scared of being alone sucks, especially without local people to fall back onto. COVID-19 impacted not my current situation as much as the possibility of making future friendships, which to me hurt just as much. However, in those three weeks I learned something. I deleted it again tonight, September 22nd, as a result of this truth: I got a taste of living life enough to know I. LOVE. LIVING. I live to live, I fight to live, I wake to live. I fight enough to be awake and stay alive, because of my intermittent sleeping disorders. Why would I completely end that fight for this? Why would I silence my own face in the best or worst of adversities when I have come so far from where I began?
I realized I need a whole new level of support to battle this, but in those three weeks I saw hope and possibility. I saw what it meant to TRULY live. My leg swelling had gone so far down. My energy had increased to more than I had possessed in a very long time. I noticed what affected or tanked my energy or moods and maximized the potential benefits accordingly, avoiding the dangers. I had just redefined some parts of my eating disorders and my insecurity of not knowing how to cook by simply arranging store-bought salads with other healthy ingredients I added myself. I had fixed my digestive tract issues. I even lost five pounds without even focusing on weight at ALL.
Now I am fresh off the site for a few hours this time, bruised but not broken. I deleted and uninstalled the site from my computer back then, so here I am; I’m trying to face myself and face life, too. Here I am; I’m trying to make a life I will enjoy living. Here I am, life. Bring it!
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