Blog Entries
Message to My Mom
Category: Family
Tags: Mother

You are beautiful to me
And I love you completely.
We have never gotten along it seems.
You're always way too busy.
I reach out to you and
I reach out to dad.
Both of you dismissing
Any pain that I might have.
You both are easy to love,
And toxic in your own ways too
Everytime I try to get close,
I can't because there's no way through.
Dad is messed up emotionally
And I get it, so am I.
You don't want me to lean on you financially.
I'm so on my own or so I try.
I'm doing half way okay.
Everything is not perfect.
But I'm living an authentic life.
And for me, it's worth it.

Disability Doctor v Psychiatrist
Category: Seeking Help
Tags: Psychiatry

There was a time when I was on disability and had to see state doctors who accepted Medicaid and Medicare. So I would visit state funded mental health treatment facilities. And I was shuffled in and out. The therapist complemented my ability to dress myself with some taste. As if other "clients" didn't care or if I were dressing up for my appointment. I found it insulting to place so much emphasis on my clothes. And then my mom joined the session and the therapist and my mom talked over me. It was awful and I have not tried therapy since. And I don't recommend a controlling mother go with you.

State doctors.... their paperwork is not accurate. They inflate symptoms. The doctor filled out my disability paperwork without asking me questions, said I was crying when I was annoyed and angry. But crying looks better on paper. They just fill out meds, don't take personal interest in you. You are a number amongst thousands. And they do everything with red tape, have no problem ceasing care if you don't line up with the red tape... you are on your own with state doctors. They don't really care.

I've been with a doctor who has a private practice for a little over a year now. He asks about my home life. Everything is written down, all of his notes, by hand. He's always thinking of ways for me to improve, tells me everyone gets stressed out, advises me to stay away from my mom if her abuse and neglect make me suicidal, encourages me to work, applauds my efforts, and takes care when prescribing meds.

It's night and day difference in care received. I'm not just a number but a client in a private practice. Love my choices. My mom wanted me to stay on disability, refused to help me when I chose to work, and I am happier for it.

Love-Hate Relationship with Meds
Category: Medication
Tags: meds

I'm really grateful for meds. I always want to come off meds. All the time. But I am also grateful for meds. They keep me grounded, centered in reality. Not paranoid. Off meds, I am nothing but paranoid and delusional. 


Meds saved my life. I was practically living on the streets with no stability. My mind was a mess and I did not trust anyone. I lived in fear and felt I had to defend myself with everyone. 

I suffered from delusions, major delusions, which affected every area of my life. I thought that someone had planted cameras on me. Everywhere I went, and in whatever room I was in, in my computer, in my phone, all over the place, in the walls, someone planted cameras and recording devices and I felt I had absolutely no privacy. I thought the whole world was in on it. Everyone in the whole world was against me. I was terrified. I thought the CIA was after me and that they were trying to burn down my apartment buidling. Any fight with anyone produced massive amounts of paranoia, thinking everyone was out for my life. 

It was very scary. Life and death scary. Just my imagination running away from me and meds saved my life. Meds took about two months, two and a half months, maybe three months of taking meds and then finally, my delusions cleared like clouds clearning, the rain going away and the sun coming out. My delusions just go away on meds. And then I have to realize that nope, no one put cameras on me, nope, the whole world doesn't know who I am. There is always a lot of relief after I realize that the whole world doesn't want to kill me. It's always a major sigh of relief. Feels so much better to be able to wake up from that nightmare. 

Yet, I want to go off meds. Why? Because I don't like the stigma associated with meds. Because I worry about the longterm consequences of taking medicine and the effects it will have on my body. Because I just want to be normal. NORMAL. Ugh. Normal. What a desire. 

But yeah, medicine saved my life. I just have to live my life with meds in it. Make sure I drink less alcohol. Make sure I take care of my body and avoid Tylenol altogether because I worry about my liver. Drink teas that are healing for your liver. And meditate and do yoga. Just grow with grace. Let it all go and grow with grace. 

So what I have to take meds? There are worse things in life. I could be in prison for so many of my behaviors but they let it all go because of my diagnosis. I owe it to others, like my mom and my boyfriend, to continue taking meds and continue to work on loving myself  fully. FULLY. I want to just adore who I am and I'm almost there. 

I will stay on meds. And learn to adjust my life and give thanks for the treatment options available. Thanking the universe for meds so I suppose I will continue to take them. Meds allow me to work, allow me to function, save my life. I will honor them as sacred and just take them. No biggie. Just have to take meds. At least this option exists. It didn't in the past. It was just awful before. So thankful for meds and being able to function. 

How I Learned to Talk About it
Category: Seeking Help
Tags: Opening Up

I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Before I was diagnosed, I was going to school full time and also working part time at a casino. I loved going to school but found it to cause a feeling of pressure. I hated working at the casino and didn't like a lot of the people nor their projected image of me while I worked there. I became ill and quit both school and work abrubptly. I became paranoid and quit trusting everyone and only trusting others for delusional reasons. I was like this for years. Finally, a doctor was able to diagnose me after some of my delusions were vocalized regarding my mother. For years, I was able to hide it. I have since been diagnosed with schizoprhenia, bipolar with psychosis, and the one I agree with: schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. 

I have quit medicine and treatment many times, at least four times. And each time I relapsed into my delusional symptoms, each time worse than the previous time. More violent, more demanding while under psychosis. I have learned from experience that life is just way easier on medicine and in treatment. I have learned that I would rather take medicine daily than lose touch with reality and think the whole world is out to get me. 

There was a time where I kept this all hidden. But I had to talk about it. I at first found Facebook groups. Then I told friends. My family never really accepted it. My mom blames me for things I did under psychosis and our relationship has a terrible rift in it as a result. And I do not trust my mom nor feel comfortable being vulnerable around her. I've lost friends who thought it was better to keep their distance. I do speak my mind and when it's delusional, I am aggressive. They think it's better to stay away. Keeping distance over something I have no voluntary control over. Just to medicate it away and no one wants to take medicine. 

Best we all just stay away from each other. They don't offer real support and that's fine. I'm on my own. I lost my mind and went into my own world. My favorite people were there and they talked to me daily by the second. Music was a great communicator. Tv communicated with me. The radio communciated with me. Books had deeper meaning and it was also a form of communication with God. I would open books at random and think it was God responding to me. I enjoyed these activities. But it was all delusional. These are activities I no longer get to enjoy because of medicine. It's just not the same on medicine because it doesn't feel as real. 

But medicine does allow me to work. And I work well. I'm a good worker. Medicine allows me to think clearly. Medicine has its benefits. I have to see the positive side of medicine. I can avoid abuse on meds. Off meds, people will take advantage of you. And I think others are helping me when I am delusional and these pepole are actually just taking stuff from me or hurting me. Because I am delusional, I interpret the abuse as help. So medicine helps me avoid that altogether. Medicine has a positive side. I will continue to take medicine. 

I will meditate and talk to God still. I just like that talking to God is my only focus off meds. But on meds, I have other interests. So I guess medicine is good for me, maybe good for my soul as I do not attack others. I am not paranoid and delusional on meds. I will of course continue to take medicine. Medicine saved my life. I also have to acknowledge that. I am suicidal off meds, too. Another aspect to consider. Better just stay on them and be grateful to have my mind back and all the delusions gone. Giving thanks to the scientific community for their work and research.

My 5 Life Lessons
Category: Lessons
Tags: Lessons
  1. It's okay to not like people. Even if that means family and friends. You don't have to like everyone. Even if it is your mom or dad. Especially if you encounter negativity or get abused or neglected by these people. It's okay to say, hey we are not meant to be in eachother's lives. Let's take a break from this relationship. And mean it. Move on, and take a much needed break.
  2. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. Not everyone wants the best for you and some are willing to take what you have to ensure that they have the best. Learn to look out for your own self interests. And protect your self interests. What is important to you is important for a reason. Honor what is important to you above all else.
  3. Learn to say NO. No is a helpful word. If we did not utilize the word no, people would be saying yes to everything and greatly overextending themselves. Learn the value in the word NO. Learn to use it at the right time and for the right reasons. Yes may be necessary at times. Just as NO is necessary at other times. Use both words accordingly.
  4. Learn to have fun, whatever is fun to you. Everyone has a different idea of fun. Some like high impact sports, others like yoga. Some like to go running and others like nature walks. Just whatever inspires your soul, whatever brings you peace, whatever brings moments of happiness, do that. And do it often.
  5. Learning that I really don't know anything about life. In your teens and twenties, you think you know so much, if not everything. And as you hit your thirties and forties, you realize, you don't know as much as you thought you did, if anything at all. What do we really know as fact? We only know scientific research and what is seen with the visible eye. But there are things that we do not know or understand and our awareness can always be expanded to consider this side of life, too.
How My Family Responded to Me During My Delusions
Category: Coping
Tags: Delusions

How People Support Someone with a Mental Illness vs. Physical Illness


With mental illness, I was blamed for my behaviors that I did while under a deep state of psychosis. I was told to get over it and quit talking about it once I had healed and I was upset that everyone was fighting with me during psychosis. They fought with me when I was in an altered state of reality. They took me seriously. And I was like, why would you do that ? Or better yet, why would you hold a seance in response? Do you think I am posessed? It's enough to confuse you and make your blood boil. 

I was told that I should not talk about it after I healed. I was told that I would be judged if I talked about it and I should keep quiet about it. But this lessens the experience for me. I want to talk about it. And raising awareness about mental health issues is not attention seeking. It is important and valid. 

I was never told I was weak or lazy but I was called deceitful because of my behaviors during psychosis. Getting judged while you are in altered state is a new form of low. It's like, okay, the person judging you is NOT understanding the situation at all. They are not understanding the loss of judgement that occurs during psychosis. 

I was told that taking medicine was my responsiblity. And when I tried to quit meds, I was told that was my choice and I was offered no help in getting better. I was homeless and had to pull myself up from the ground to get going. No help was offered. 

The way my family responds to my mental health diagnosis is wrong. And guess what, I think I am going to stay away from them for the time being. Take a break from this. Time to build a life I love with the people I love. And just enjoy my life and ignore those who don't even attempt to understand me.

Breaking the Fear of Stigma
Category: Stigma
Tags: Stigma From Everywhere - Don't Be Afraid to Speak Up

Breaking the Fear of Stigma

When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, the news was earth-shattering. It rang in my ears like an alarm going off - something is very wrong with me. Of course, it was not until the meds worked and my delusions went away that I truly felt the magnitude of the diagnosis, the gravity of it. And my family felt the gravity of it. They were all stunned and just assumed I was angry. But I was delusional. Delusions went away - and so did my anger. This also stunned them. The change in personality. Me getting diagnosed and the change that meds caused in me had my parents not understanding at all. 
But it made things clear for me. I realized my mind was tricking me. And that alone was scary, to know something like that can happen to a person, especially me. It was just earth-shattering, receiving my diagnosis. Traumatic to say the very least. Life changing. Perspective changing. Personality changing. Humbling. 

After you receive your diagnosis, you have to go around the same people who  honestly have not learned much about mental illness. The world is still very much in the dark about it. And these people can be angry over something you said during psychosis or they might just be abusive by nature. I encountered many "mean" people who were downright cruel after I received my diagnosis. Ugh. I hung out with a religious group, and that was where I encountered the "mean" person. He told me that my mom would protect me because after I was diagnosed, I felt like a child again. And I needed my mom. And this person was mean about it. And I was just processing feelings. I couldn't hide my feelings. And I was hanging out with these people at a religious function. And I was trapped with them. Of course, I have never allowed that situation to happen again and avoid those who are "religious" by nature. Because others at this party gave all the credit toward my healing to "Praise Jesus" rather than admit science saved me. If anything, Jesus was part of my delusions and the meds made that part go away. Jesus was clouding my judgment. I'm not religious but I understand it having been raised that way. Now, I'm a free bird. Anyway, I learned to overcome that kind of stigma, and the fear that you experience when you encounter the stigma, by standing tall around those who practice that kind of stigma. I have learned to use science and facts to support my healing and if people want to think I am evil, I let them with joy and even feed into it. I quit caring so much about people who are insignificant in my life. 

Learning to overcome stigma after returning to work was something else. For the longest time, I had feelings of being inadequate and that I was an invalid. But I like to learn and I work hard. And I have kept being challenged. I used to think that someone with my diagnosis couldn't work. I used to think that working would be too much because my thoughts or emotions or feelings might get in the way. But after working, I have learned that I excel with a challenge. I deliver. I do well. Work is good for me. And I am good at usiing my mind and working. Work feeds my soul. I have learned to avoid those who don't enjoy a hard day's work because it's a joy only those who enoy working understand. And half my family collects disability and then does drugs. They think I am crazy to work. And I think they are crazy to live their life like that. We are not the same. 

Overcoming stigma in relationships is difficult. People who are really untrained in mental health always want to tell you how you behave this way or that and call it mental illness. That is the worst kind of stigma, labeling all behaviors as mental illness. This I have encountered and the only thing to do about that is to cut people off. You don't want to be around someone who is constantly putting you in a box. I have left relationships for this and nothing makes me more proud of myself. I could have stayed and endured further mistreatment. But I left. I moved on. And I didn't look back. This goes for men I've dated as well as family. Learning to walk away from those who don't truly take an interest in my life. It' s their loss. 

You will always find others who want to put you in a box because of your mental health disorder. Or who always want to accuse you of missing your meds. These are the people to avoid. They are negative and no one needs that kind of influence in your life. You can enjoy life with a mental health disorder. Religion never saved anyone, especially not me. You can work and excel at work with a severe mental health disorder. The media needs to portray stories of success more often. Homeland is a story of success for someone with bipolar disorder. You can be in a positive relationship with a mental health disorder. And you can walk away from any relationship that does not feed and nurture your soul. It helps if you work to walk away easier. Never settle. Always work on developing yourself. There is always more to learn. 

Let's end the stigma associated with mental health disorders. Even if that means walking away from people who you think are "primary" to your life. We live multiple lives. There are always primaries in your life. Who cares? Make yourself your primary and look after yourself non-stop. Walk away from those who practice stigma. They will never feed your soul. 

Meds - Not Being Able to Afford Them
Category: Medication
Tags: Meds Costs Can Be Sky High

2018 was a rough year for me. All because Walgreens overcharges people with prescription costs. Walgreens tried to sell me meds for over $300 to fill. I gasped. There was no way I could afford that monthly cost. I assumed that I was ok. And questioned if the meds helped me. Then decided that I would try to live life without meds. And I lost my mind. Again. Same delusions all over again. Right back in the middle of my psychosis. Look, meds are a necessity. People with diabetes also need meds to survive. Life or death. And they are overcharged on the cost of meds. I have no choice but to vote for free healthcare, free education, freedom to peacefully protest. We need to have social workers respond to mental health crisis calls. We don't need the police there, who are threatening by nature when I truly need to simply see a psychiatrist. There are a million reasons why we need to do better. Jails are overcrowded and mostly unnecessary. We can find a better system for that. I believe in change and Yes, we can change for the better.
#mentalhealth

 

EDIT - Use GoodRx App to get a low cost on meds. 

What Mental Illness Looks Like in My Family
Category: Family
Tags: Family

Mental illness runs in my family on my mom's side and my dad's side. On my mom's side, members get diagnosed with psychosis, schizoprhrenia, or schizoaffective disoder, plus addiction; and on my dad's side, members have anxiety, depression (crave chocolate), and also addiction. I have addiciton on both sides. So I don't trust taking xanax or anything addictive because I have chronic mental illness, which means it is not going away. And these symptoms need a long-term solution, not a short quick fix like xanax. I need therapy and probably some psychiatric medication, just not addictive ones. 

My grandma might have had bipolar disorder with psychosis. She once told me that her nurse prescribed antidepressants to her while in the hospital (she went to the hospital after she would purposely hurt herself in order to get pain meds from the doctor). My grandma fought back about the antidepressants, telling the nurse that they upset her thinking and she didn't want them. The nurse did not listen and prescribed antidepressents anyway (perhaps the Dr. prescribed the meds and the Nurse just followed orders). Well, after the nurse gave my grandma antidepressants, my grandma started to experience odd thinking, delusional thinking. 

I will expand. She specifically thought that a black baseball player for the Tigers was our grandpa. And she thought the tv was talking to her. And she had paranoid delusions. All because she was given the wrong medications. And she might never have been properly diagnosed because her mind was always in an altered state or chasing an altered escape. 

Drugs were huge in my family growing up. I just thought it was normal for my grandma to take speed and I thought it was okay for my mom to beat me daily when she was in a rage. It felt normal. And then when I got older, I didn't want to bring children into this world because of my family. That is just the plain truth. I was not sure if I even wanted to have kids, but the idea of my mom and dad and uncle and sisters and cousins all trying to love this kids, when they could not love me, or worse, they will write off my kids. So I never had them. But I might. 

My grandma had severe mental illness and died from a xanax overdose while out in the hallway at a retirement facility where she lived. That was her life. There is so much drama in my family. So many people do not like the others. No one likes me. And you know what, I don't care. I'm still going to say that mental illness is genetic. But it's also environment. And I would be building my child up. My sister will not explain Jesus or God to my neice. So I did. My other sister shares what she knows but she doesn't know much.. And my other sister, she is the youngest and doing well. But she was atheist while living with my mom. 

I have to overcome all this drama and realize that my family does not define me. My soul, my personality, my dreams, my vision, that is what defines me. I was told by a psychic healer to no longer call "my mom" as my mom but to instead say "the mom" because my mom was not  a real mother growing up. She was in two relationships with two men, probably on drugs, up some days and so kind, down other days and would beat the shit out of me. And as an adult, I have a disability. I was homeless a little over a year ago. And my mom allowed that and even praises herself for her actions. 

I just want to hold a mirror up to her and be like, this is you. That is what I am doing with Brite Haven. I'm tearing down their balconies and I am going to be on the same level and I'm going to talk about the neglect, abuse, drug use, mental illlness, addicitons, cheating on people, all of that exists in my family. 

They look at me as a lost cause. I look at them as being born among my enemies. Had I self-medicated my mental illness away, like my entire family does, than maybe I would never have ended up in mental health treatment. Me choosing meds is me staying away from hardcore drugs. I always refused to use hardcore drugs when I was younger and as an adult, it does disgust me. Because I see a spirit. I see a soul. I see someone who is killing the ability to speak to their soul because they are high. This life will be over before I know it. 

I have to stop looking back. I have to wear rose-colored glasses and see spirit all around me.  I have reincarnated several times and I would refer to past life moms as the mom. So I will simply adopt that practice with her. She is the mom. The mom of my life now=====we are not even friends. We love each other. But we come from love and will return to love and we are supposed to be helping others have a happy journy. I need to work on healing. That is the point of writing and returning to my writings. To heal. 

Is It Okay For Your Children to Take Psychiatric Mediications? Some Thoughts on the Topic! Tags: childhood disorders psychiatric medication grey matter brain loss coping mechanisms talk therapy
I am annoyed with people and their response to mental illness. My family, I am annoyed with their response as well. Everyone wants to keep mental health issues as hush-hush and think that talking about it openly produces trauma. The only trauma that truly exists is the inability to express your frustrations with whatever you are struggling with, whether it be mental illness, diabetes, or heart disease. There needs to be a forum for mental health issues to be discussed and that is the point of Brite Haven. You can create a profile using a pseudonym and feel free to express yourself fully. We need a safe place to talk about these issues and we need to bring everything to light. Mental illness exists and I've known way too many people who died from a mental health disorder. I can think of five people who were diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder that have died from suicide. That is just way too many. You get to know someone, you suffer the same things, and then that person just disappears from your life, because of an early death.
 
People die from mental health issues just as they die from heart disease or cancer without treatment. And we need preventative care. We need to address mental health symptoms before they become full-blown episodes. There have been times when I could not afford my medication and I therefore did not take them. I ended up in the hospital and recovery took about 6 months to get back to a place of stability. And my mom wanted to put me in a home. She wanted me on disability. She did not want me out in the public for fear of what I might say about our family.
 
So I created a platform, a place to discuss pain, trauma, mental health diagnoses, support or lack of support, etc. on Brite Haven. This is a safe place to vent, to express yourself. People do not want to hear about mental health issues. Kids are prescribed medications and we do not know the long term effects of these medications. These medications destroy grey matter in your brain. Your brain loses weight from these meds, it shrinks. And I can't imagine how someone would think it's okay to give to kids so readily. Talk therapy should be the first consideration, not meds. These kids have not defined themselves and if they are symptomatic, and severe, I suggest meds. But not as a first response. We should exhaust all other avenues to recovery before we give out antipsychotic or ADD meds to children. We should work with children at their levels. I think we need to homeschool children more too. But with both parents working, that is nearly impossible.
 
We are so quick to medicate. So quick to push the person aside and shove pills down their throats before these children are given a chance to heal. Children are empathic and take on the worries of their parents energetically. Perhaps the parents need counseling and need to learn how to respond to their children without these damaging medications. I started taking these medications at 27 and no one tried to talk sense to me. They simply medicated me to shut me up. But I did not shut up.
 
And I refuse to shut up. For the rest of my life, I will support mental health treatment because it saved my life. But I am against medicating children. I think that is laziness on the parents' part. I'm not saying that at times it is necessary. But from experience, parents get tired of the outbursts from children and look for an easy solution, such as medication without considering the long term effects of these medications. Once you try to quit the meds, you relapse. Your brain is also sicker than it was in the first place because these medications destroy grey matter in the brain. But you know what else causes the loss of grey matter? That would be not treating episodes of mania. If you suffer from mania, and it goes untreated, that can destroy grey matter in your brain. So it's really worth considering if meds are right for you and that answer should be self-directed and self-given by the person who is experiencing stress. If you want to start mental health treatment, know that it helps you to be stable, clears your mind from the clutter of negativity that often accompanies mental distress. Treatment saved my life.
 
It's a lot to consider. Should children be given medications? So young and they will be stuck on these meds the rest of their lives. These medications can make the brain sicker and this can produce symptoms such as anger, outbursts, delusions, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and homicidal tendencies. That is the side effects of these drugs, once you stop taking them or if you build up a tolerance, these symptoms can appear. And these symptoms are easier for an adult to experience than a child. I think a child should be educated on things and given a voice in treatment. They should know what these meds do, the children, before they suffer long-term consequences. We should be more focused on talk therapy than prescribing medications to children. Teach them coping techniques and educate them.
 
I fully support mental health treatment. But I know the dangers of it too. And I think we need to make people aware of these facts. This way, people can choose with more education and experience and what they really want out of treatment. Children deserve to have a voice, too.
I am in recovery
Category: Recovery
Tags: Recovery 101

People act like I am schizoaffective on purpose. And stay away from me. It's their loss because there is recovery. True friends have never left my side, only noted my strengths, and gave me room to cope. The mom and sisters in my immediate family could not even think to do that. Their first thought was to place me in a home and keep me out of sight and out of mind. And now we have shallow relationships. But it's their loss. I'm a true survivor. I didn't marry for money, for kids, for any possessions, for drugs. Nothing like that. I'm working on me. And I am a litigation paralegal who knows how to serve an amazing Italian dinner. I'm proud of myself.

10 Signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & Follow Up Questions Tags: PTSD Questionnaire

10 Signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

A List and Follow Up Questions to See If and How You Relate to Each Symptom:

1.Detachment from Others

One of the first symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder is detachment from others. This can happen for a myriad of complicated reasons. Often, those with PTSD are afraid of how they might behave in front of other people. They worry that they might become angry or react strangely to normal occurrences.

Do you feel alone in this world and like you can relate to no one? If the answer is yes, how can you start to getting back to being in touch with your friends/family who are supportive of you? Can you join groups that interest you? I joined Alcoholics Anonymous and found something that brings me both peace and understanding. Do you think you could find help in a group similar or the same as that?

I have left so many family members behind. Left friends too. I am finding people from online groups that I relate to in the most positive ways. And I joined alcoholics anonymous and it's changing me in the most profound way. It made me think differently about drinking. It's not just fun and games. It can be damaging too. I drink to not feel alone. And it makes me more alone. I find that I need to reach out and I am at times and it's helping. My online friends are everything. We have so much in common. It's amazing that we found each other. THere is hope in online support groups. And in alcoholics anonymous. Sharing is caring. And I find that when I share my feelings, I feel more open to others and when they share, I don't feel so alone in this world. 

 

 

2.Flashbacks

Flashbacks are another symptom of PTSD. The symptom causes a person to relive a traumatic event. The emotional response is different for everyone. However, flashbacks often cause feelings of panic, extreme stress, and physical issues like fainting, heart palpitations, and high blood pressure.

Do you have flashbacks of bad experiences? Do they make you feel small and fearful? Do you relive the trauma? Can you bring yourself back to the present moment and try to remember that that negative moment no longer exists and you are now in the present and there  is peace here? Do you think that is possible for you?

 

I am not sure if I have flashbacks. I have moments where I remember painful memories but my mind is usually in a happy place as I am usually focused on my goals, at work. When at home with nothing to do, I usually feel lost and alone. I need hobbies. When I have roommates, I hope to build hobbies with them. 

 

 

3.Nightmares

Frequent nightmares are a common symptom of PTSD. These nightmares may focus on the event that created the trauma or they may appear unrelated. Nightmares are different from flashbacks in that they occur on a subconscious level during sleep, while flashbacks take place while the mind is alert and awake.

Do you find yourself having nightmares of bad experiences of a fears? Do you have lucid dreaming where you don’t really rest? Are you afraid to ask your doctor for addicting sleeping meds? Can you try guided meditation to help you rest your mind? Do you think there are other coping techniques? What has helped you?

 

I rest but it's not always restful. I have lucid dreaming many times. I think as I sleep. I work out problems and I am awake-sleeping. I am thinking as I dream. I sometimes enjoy it and sometimes need more rest. But I do fall asleep and I do dream almost every night. I wake up with songs and thoughts in my head and am ready to start my day. I wake up on-go.

 

4.Avoiding Reminders

Someone with PTSD may avoid situations that remind them of the events around the trauma. For example, if the traumatic event happened at work, then the person with PTSD may have difficulty returning to their job. Additionally, they may not want to be around family or friends they associate with the traumatic event. This symptom can interfere with one's livelihood and social life.

I do this. I avoid all family events because of how I was treated when at my worst and it’s a painful reminder of when I was much unloved. I don’t know how to overcome this one. Hopefully one day friends will become family or maybe I will make a family of my own. It’s something I am working on. What are you doing to help you with the bad habit of avoiding reminders?

 

 

I avoid family like the plague because they are full of bad reminders for me. Even my niece became a source of major discomfort. My sisters are a source of discomfort as they lack understanding and I only feel judgment from them. So I avoid them. My mom married my dad's brother and the holidays are a reminder of that. So I avoid the holidays where they all celebrate together and I still cant seem to comprehend it. I look forward to spending the holidays with my friend Stacey from now on as she is a souce of love and non judgement. 

 

5.Insomnia

Insomnia, or the inability to sleep, is another symptom of PTSD. There are many reasons this occurs. Some people may find that they keep worrying about the event that caused the trauma, making it difficult to clear their minds and drift off to sleep. The knowledge that nightmares begin after they drift off can also make sleep difficult. Doctors can prescribe medications and holistic methods such as meditation to help reduce instances of this debilitating symptom.

Insomnia is a horrible symptom. And many have it. Nothing worse than missing a good night’s sleep and feeling drained all day. I have had my troubles with insomnia and find that keeping a schedule and taking medicine before bedtime helps. What have you found that helps you fight the battle of insomnia?

If I miss my meds, I can't sleep. If I take my meds too early, I can't sleep. Sleep sometimes does evade me. But if I have a routine, I sleep well. I have to have a routine and I stick with it. People who do not respect my routine cannot be around me. I get irritable and quickly snap at them. 

 

6.Lack of Motivation

Sleeping too much or generally losing interest in day-to-day activities and hobbies about which one used to feel passionate can be an indicator of PTSD or another condition such as depression. If someone experiences this symptom over the long-term, on a regular basis, it may be advisable to seek professional help or advice.

Do you feel unmotivated to go after goals? To do what you want to do in life? Do you have desires to achieve things in life? What are they? Do you remember when you were little? How inspired you were? Can you get back to that inner child frame of mind and remember how life appealed to you as a child? What inner child work are you doing for yourself today?

My mom threatens me with putting me in a home. WHich is enough to keep me motivated for several lifetimes. Suicide is not an option as I often feel I will fail and end up in a home with a permanent disorder. I just stick with the program and don't give in or give up. I fight as much as I can to keep going no matter how much I want to give in or give up. It's not an option. Failure is not an option. One day, it won't be so difficult. One day, I will find a life partner. Right now, it's just me. 

 

7.Anger

An individual with PTSD may exhibit irritability and anger in varying degrees and at sometimes unexpected intervals, often to a greater degree than they once did. This can happen for a variety of reasons and can impact interpersonal relationships and job performance.

Are you angry with the circumstances you have been given in life? Do you feel slighted by others? Do you feel like you have been dealt a bad hand of cards and like life is not in your favor? How can you turn those negatives into positives? There are people walking around without the ability to hear, see, walk, and more. And they find positives. How can you learn to see the positives in your situation?

 

My mom lied to me my entire life and still lies. So she is a source of anger. My sister lies now too. So she is a source of anger. I would not want to be in either shoes so I don't know why they lie. But it must make their lives easier. I tend to tell the truth because I prefer to. I prefer it becauuse its easier and I don't mind dealing with consequences. I'm strong enough to deal with the consequences and my life is not built on a lie. It's built on me. and I have been me since day one. I get angry with my family because I don't feel like they are honest with me or themselves. 

 

 

8.Memory Loss

Memory loss can be associated with PTSD. Often, an individual will mentally block out the traumatic event temporarily or permanently. This presents challenges in the diagnosis, acceptance, and recovery, as many mental health professionals encourage their patients to face and discuss the circumstances that led to the condition. In addition, people with PTSD may have difficulty recalling recent events unrelated to the trauma.

Are you suffering from memory loss? Are there blocks of time you don’t remember? Does this make you feel uneasy? Could you see it as a benefit? Do you realize we are infinite and some things are done for our protection? Can you see this too as a benefit? Can you reframe you thinking into more positive thoughts?

 

Never had a problem with memory loss. I remember most things and most things about most things. I can recall what I was feeling, thinking, and why I thought the way I thought. Even during psychosis, I can recall exactly what I thought and why. It helps me. 

9.Feeling Jumpy

People with PTSD may find that they feel jumpy or are never completely at ease. This often occurs when a traumatic event that caused the condition is particularly frightening and life-endangering. For example, many soldiers who have spent time in active war zones and other dangerous situations may experience PTSD and, as a result, loud noises and stressful situations reminiscent of the trauma can trigger emotional and physical responses.

Do you have triggers? Do things make you jumpy? Do you like a peaceful environment? Do you not like to be around crowds? This one is tough for me. But if you realize that all people are just trying to be happy for the most part, can you see a crowd as a group of people just trying to get by, just like you? And maybe not as people to be afraid of? Can you try to start to think this way?

 

No, not too jumpy. But do prefer music and quiet people. 

10.Turning to Drugs and Alcohol

Sometimes, people with PTSD turn to self-medication in the form of recreational drugs and excessive alcohol consumption. This is another sign that professional medical care is necessary as soon as possible. The excessive use of drugs and alcohol can exacerbate feelings of depression and other dangerous symptoms that can lead to suicide or otherwise put an individual's life in danger.

Have you ever considered not self-medicating? Have you ever considered attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? Not smoking weed? Not turning to hard drugs? How about attending a Narcotics Anonymous Meeting? Do you know the benefits of these things? They change lives. Even if you are not an addict. You can still benefit by attending these free meetings. Call and attend today. I strongly recommend. Would you go?

Oh, I self-medicate my family pain away. My family is a great source of pain but I am learning that if I want to be in control, self-medicating is not an option. And there is therapy. I go to alcoholics anonymous and hearing others stories makes me want to manage my life in a more positive way. It makes me want to take steps to love myself better, to nurture myself more, to take the right steps and get away from those who are not loving themselves in a way that is healthy. I want to be healthy and have those around me be healthy too. 

Sometimes I relapse in Bad Love
Category: Coping
Tags: abusive codependent relationships

You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

 

When the snow and ice fell to the ground 

And the holidays started to come around

I called you up For another chance at romance

You called me sweet, our lips did meet

It felt like bliss, our first kiss

 

But You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

 

A year later, we're still together

Not by luck, it feels were stuck

we work through each and every obstacle

no matter the fight, we always make it right

I overlook this, you laugh at that

soon we only look at sugar coated moments

 

But You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

 

Do you really know me?

Do I really know you?

Is this the depth we are looking for?

Is this relationship truth?

 

When You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

 

Truly You Were Never Right For Me

We Were Never Meant To Be

And I Know Better than That

It's Just that Sometimes I Relapse

Poetry About Intuition Tags: Your Inner World

Think a little deeper

dig a little more

Your heart is an open vessel 

that wants to be explored 

Get under it

try to understand

everything you're going thru

is part of the master plan

Listen closely

your soul knows the way

Listen to your inner thoughts

and what your soul has to say

Let intuition

be your guiding light

and you'll never be lost

between day and night

Think a little deeper

dig a little more

your heart is an open vessal

that wants to be explored

Never sacrifice your right

to say yes or no

Listen closely

to your divine soul.

Questions Posed to my Now Fiancé
Category: Marriage
Tags: True Love is about Support

What it's like to date someone with schizoaffective disorder?

He takes me as I am!

Below is a list of questions regarding dating someone with mental illness (me and I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type). I'm not easy to date and some days are better than others. I have good days and bad. Up and down. Sometimes my head is in the clouds and other times, I'm grounded and centered. Depends on how much I did for the day and I don't really know. Just depends. I've been with my boyfriend over a year and we might get married. I decided to take a moment and ask him questions about my disorder and see how he really feels about me. I was pleased with the answers and I hope you are, too.

1.) Are you aware of the diagnosis and what does it mean to you?

Yes, I am aware fully. It means that I have to protect you from certain things sometimes, namely yourself, you know? I have to tolerate the you know mood swings and stuff like that. 

2.) How does it affect your life?
Have to pick up meds on occasion, never really sure which version of my girlfriend will show up which means like what she will be today, mean from the other day, or not, it's challenging, very challenging. 
Never date a girl with curly hair, they clog up the drains 

3.) Do you see your girlfriend in your future? 
Yes, I do. She's sweet. Generally has a heart of gold. 

4.) How does the disorder affect your girlfriend?
Um, she hates always having to take meds everyday and wants to be free of the meds. She doesn't like being judged by others about it. She might resent it. Doesn't like being judged. Doesn't like the stigma that comes with mental illness. Hates if you tell her you are going to put her in the hospital. 

5.) What is one good thing about her disorder?
It makes her who she is, right? So if that is the side-effect of a disorder, I guess it's not so bad. 

6.) Do you regret dating her? Would you change it? 
I should have ran the other way, huh? Too late now. No regrets though. I live without regrets. 

7.) Should she stay on meds? 
Yes, because she can't function without them. She will be standing on the corner screaming at Jesus if she doesn't have her meds.

Those were his answers and I guess I should stay on meds. I do yell at Jesus and others off meds and for delusional reasons, that only make sense to me. So, sure I guess I will continue to take meds. I feel better on them, anyway.  

Poetry about Taking MEDSSSSSSSSSS Daillllllllyyyyyyyy
Category: Medication
Tags: Meds

I accept the fact

that I need meds

I accept it with anguish

I accept it with dread

taking meds daily

a hard pill to swallow

Looks like my family's dysfuntion 

is something I follow

Although the meds help

resolve the delusions

eliminate paranoia

and disolve the confusion

I now have a label

another one I suppose

in a hate-filled world

where animosity grows

can't wait for eternity

where I know it's better than this

where there is just a knowing

that we exist in bliss

When My My Mom Dropped Me OFF at the Police Station
Category: Abuse
Tags: During a Psychotic Episode

People may not understand my feelings about my family. They have never let me live with them when I was homeless due to episodes of mental health. And it's happened at least 4 times. My mom has a history of locking me up at my cousin's, taking away both my license and vehicle and not allowing me to accept positions in the legal field because they were "too far away." She has yelled and sworn at me in public and I have never done this to her. But I have called her out on social media for being a Trump supporter. And I have called her out for her harsh treatment of me for my mental health issues. And I have called out family for allowing me to be homeless. I have not seen my sisters in over a year and I could have gone over for Christmas but holiday-relationships are overrated especially when you have been left out in the cold. Now that I am doing better, I am treated better by all of them. But when I was at my worst, for a condition that I have no control over and for one that requires education, I was met with both neglect and abuse. Which is why I started my website, to talk about stigma that people endure and to give a place to heal from it. Yes, I love these people. But I was only consistently treated with love and respect, and help from my friend Stacey. You know who you are. She has taken me in every time. And Tammie was there for me. But Stacey let me live with her each time and helped me get back on my feet. I wouldn't be a paralegal today if it weren't for her. My mom had me locked up. But Stacey saved me. She picked me up from the police station that my mom had dropped me off at, thinking that was all I was good for. She had taken my phone, taken my vehicle, and all I had was a bag of clothes, my license and Stacey's number, which I knew by heart. Thank God I knew her number by heart. She saved my life that day. You can all judge me for things you don't understand. My family only looks perfect in pictures. We are by far from perfect.

 

Further Reflections:

 

I decided that I am going to speak out against stigma. My own family treats me with terrible stigma. They treat me terribly. In the past, it was so terrible. I just don't want to be around them when I think of it. Leaving me at a police station. What was her thinking on that, my mom's? I was homeless and that is what she did. And she has plenty of money. She stole my dad's business. So I guess you can say she owns a business. She pretty much destroyed my dad when she married his brother. 

Never was I signed up for therapy. The books that my aunt gave me were ridiculed. And I was told not to read them. So I didn't. But they could have helped. I found self help books in my twenties. 

But to be left at a police station? She took my phone and my car. She left me with no money and a bag of clothes. At a police station.

Did she want me to be arrested? 

And people defend her.

They think she is helpless.

She takes whatever she wants in life.

She just quit wanting me.

I threw her relationship with my uncle in her face. 

My sister/cousin.

The fact that she stole the business that my grandpa left to my dad.

She fought in court for that business and she fought hard.

My dad said she would never have quit fighting.

She fought with me during psychosis. She fought to put me on disabilty and wanted me in a home.

She wanted me locked up.

But I ran away.

I'm going to speak out against this type of abuse.

She gave me an apology last week. She said she "overstepped her boundaries with me."

She never mentioned the police station.

She just mentioned that I am doing well at work.

She knows the police make me paranoid.

But I knew my friend's number by heart.

And I called her and she answered and she lived 45 minutes away, all freeway.

And it took her forever to get there.

But she came.

And she let me stay with her.

I was around love again.

I met my boyfriend at a bar that I was bartending at.

And I admitted all my faults in the first night, trying to scare him off.

It didn't work.

He knew what I was trying to do.

He only saw potential.

And he chased me.

But he also sent my favorite song, Maxwell, "Don't you ever wonder" on our first date in a text to me

And it was a sign

Also, when I gave him my number and looked back at the paper a month later, it was written on an order slip with the numbers 333

which are my numbers

another sign

He's a good guy

He has some bad habits

But he takes good care of me

And he keeps me safe

where my family didn't

where I didn't even keep myself safe

I kept going around people who weren't good for me

because of delusions and habits

because we were family

I am not safe around my mom

Or my dad

I have heard from my dad since last Christmas 2019 and he avoided me for the most part except a hug

The year before I couldn't even be there, it was too much,  too much pain

I went but left within ten minutes

My dad can hang out with my sister but not me

And she is probably not even his

Despite everyone's lies, no one can bring forth easily found proof these days

And I'm sure she is my mom's first boyfriends, who wouldn't marry my mom and my mom and dad had a shotgun marriage and a child in the next 8 months

They only dated a week before the marriage

He was mourning her sister, my aunt who dumped him

She only dated him for his car

And I think my mom saw dollar signs

I think she dropped me off at the police station to have me admitted and to put me in a home because filling out the disabilty paperwork was not working out for her

And that was plan B

Just like when she first got me into the system

She provoked a fight

said horrible things

made me react

and then called the cops on me

and had me admitted

because I was never a harm to myself or others

She made it worse

I am not safe around her

I plan to speak out against stigma. Against forced treatment. Therapy works. But they hand out meds like it's candy. I would love to come off meds. 

But meds are support.

Meds get me through a day.

And I would explain that stigma exists, even in your family and friends. Even in your health providers. 

And you need support. Find out who supports you. If you can't find it in your own circle, then join a group. Online. Find someone. Don't be afraid to speak up. 

And keep chasing your dreams. If you don't know what your passions are, watch movies, listen to music, read books, learn. Find out what inspires your soul.

Work if you want to work. I wish we lived in a world where you could talk about it openly. I am at a place where mostly I do. And yes, people use your weakness against you. People love to do that. I express that I am a little "crazy but in a good way." 

Dreams and Revelations
Category: Dreams
Tags: DREAMS THINKING in DREAMS

I had a dream last night. About the jerk in Cali and a brother of someone in high school, who is ficticious, but symbolic. I was in Cali and homeless and the guy in Cali was in a bar and I was trying to make it there when he was there. So that we could talk. I was doing all the work. And I knew that he loved me and that I loved him. But the only effort he put into this "relationship" was when we were both "present." Probably has something to do with he and I drinking.

And in the meantime, I was homeless and struggling and lost in a huge Hudsons' store with escalators going up and up and up but never down and out of the store. And I met someone. It was M. Spark's brother. And I hung out with him. And he showed me empathy. He showed me love. He showed me true friendship. 

But I still assumed I needed to be faithful to the jerk in Cali. But as I was in this huge store, and M. Spark's brother left to go back home to Michigan, I was so lost, so lost trying to find a way out. And it was near Christmas. And I began seeing all these beautiful items for men. And the only one I wanted to buy a gift for was M. Spark's brother. 

And I realized that I could have all my dreams come true through him. I could have all the love I need, without the abuse and neglect, through him. And I realized that I wanted to spend my life with him. And as I realized this, I was not lost anymore. I quickly knew my way out of the store, quickly found a plane ride home, quickly found him and we spent our holiday together and our lives together. And I knew everything would be perfect. 

The idea that I am obligated to that jerk in Cali is a trap. A mean one at that. I am not obligated to him. I found all the love I need in Jason. I love how he treats me. I hope we spend our lives together and there are no mind games. There are no mind games. I'll say that again, because it deserves repeating. 

There are NO mind games. Just honest love. I'm gonna marry Jason.  And it's better than any love I have ever found. It's honest love. It's real love. It's solid, good, heart-felt love. My soul told me this is the correct path. It confirmed it. 

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